AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question I am a 50 yr old Male who waited until 33 to get married to what I thought was my one and only wife. We have 3 children (14, 12, 10) and last year found out my wife was having an affair with another married man at our 2nd home in NH. I want to mention my wife is also an alcoholic (who does not think she is one). The children have commented on her drinking and my youngest has asked to talk with a counselor.
Once the affair was disclosed, she told me how I was the cause of the marriage issues. She did not offer many issues she brought to the marriage. She has been distant and defensive. We went to marriage counseling for 6 months and I felt I was open and wanted to save the marriage but she was defensive and had her armor up and not open to Honest discussion about what issues we have and what to do to work on them. I believe she was still in fantasy land about her lover (and still is - a 2nd cell phone fell out of her sweater on labor day weekend)
We are separated (I live in the in-law apt) and need to move forward with my life. I am worried about my children and would have liked to have reconciled the marriage but it does not look like that is possible. I know you need two to make that happen. I consulted my attorney and she tells me to file for divorce and get a 50/50 parenting plan with the caveat that if my wife continues to drink then I get 100% custody.
What advice do you have for me? This is a mess and I just want to have safety in my life on the emotional, and moral side of things. I want my kids to be safe also and not deal with their moms drinking, verbal accusations, etc. Deep down I wished we could have salvaged the marriage.
Answer Hi Tom,
Thanks for writing. I'm not sure what you're asking about advice. Legally, I don't have much to say, as I am not a lawyer. But I can tell you that your wife will never agree to sign a decree that says if she drinks you will get the kids 100 percent of the time. And when you start toying with a mother's custody rights I can assure you that your family will experience a bitter and ugly battle that will leave no one unscathed.
When a spouse turns her back on the marriage the only thing you can do is giver her the space she needs. If you feel like you can, I would just give her that space, delay any legal proceedings, and see if she doesn't come around and want to patch things up. I would be kind, decent, and gracious in the meantime. This means no lawyers, threats, etc. Just be gentle, loving, and understanding and she may come around -- I've seen miracles over the years.
I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
Added comment: I read what you wrote when you rated my answer, and I am thinking that perhaps you thought there was more magic a therapist might pull out of her wand for you, and I wish that there was!! I understand that you have tried the separation, but I wonder if you have tried it the "right" way, with a therapist managing it and making sure it has a progression and reason and rhyme to it. Just spending time apart isn't enough, and almost never works. You might do a Google search of "Controlled Separation' to read more about it. Other than separation or splitting, there really are no other choices. You can't really control what your wife does with or around the children, and no one is going to recommend them being away from her unless she is really, really, abusive or destructive, as judges tend to believe that having a less than ideal mom is better than having no mom at all. I hope this answer cleared up anything I left out of the previous answer.
