AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question QUESTION: I am recently divorced, 3 months. Although, in my mind I was divorced for many years.
Shortly, after I filed for divorce I became friends with a man at work. We really hit it off, for 6 months we were just friends. I realized the feelings were going deeper and we started dating. We are awesome together, my only issue with him is his relationship with his ex-wife. They divorced because she wanted a child and he didn't, they had agreed when they married that there would be no children. They had a very amicable divorce. Shortly, after they divorced she married someone else & did have a child. The child is now 6, for the last 3 years they have been coming to his (my boyfriend's) house to visit and stay overnight. He gives the ex-wife & the child his bed and the current husband sleeps upstairs and my boyfriend sleeps on the couch. Now, that I'm in his life, I feel that other arrangements should be made when they come to town for a visit. My issue is that my feelings really aren't considered when they are coming to visit. Basically, he says either come over and go along with the arrangements or stay home, make your choice (not in those exact words, that is how it feels to me). We end up out in the camper because his house is very small. I probably wouldn't have such an issue if I felt like he put our relationship over his relationship with his ex-wife, he says they are "like family". According to him I am the "love of his life", the only time I don't feel like the love of his life is when his ex wife & her family come to town. They are in town this weekend, I am at home by myself & we are not speaking. I tried to talk to him about how this makes me feel & he walked out on me because he thinks I shouldn't have an issue with this because I knew he was friendly with his ex-wife before we started dating. I just didn't realize the impact it would have on us. To me, it is a red flag when he gets so defensive about it and won't try to come up with a solution, I don't expect him to cut them out of his life. I don't want to lose the relationship, but I also think I deserve more consideration in this situation. He is such a great guy in every other way, it makes me so sad to think we can't work this out.
Thank you for any insight you can give me.
ANSWER: Hard to know where to start on this.
Your issue isn't that unusual. It's a tad extreme as these things go but common enough.
What strikes me about your story is how profoundly things have deteriorated between you. If you've walked out and he isn't speaking to you, and he's said, take it or leave, and he's chosen to have them as his house guests even though you've protested, then this is a pretty extreme as fights go. That means you guys have been going round and round on this one for a long time and getting nowhere. The rut just gets deeper. You've been drawn lines in the sand. You've both put the whole relationship on the line. As you said "it makes me so sad to think we can't work this out." The key word is "we," and that includes you. You are no less stubborn about this than he is. And at the same time, he's no less stubborn than you are.
It's a values clarifying moment. You'll have to decide, and he'll have to decide on priorities. It probably feels like your back is against the wall and you have no more options.
That's not true.
Still I'm afraid things are so deteriorated that it will take some serious effort to turn things around. I can imagine how you might be able to make some concessions toward him but he'd need to help you do that and support you and that will take a more precise understanding of what's up between you, as well as a sympathetic appreciation of how toxic things have become.
It might be helpful if you can figure out why his needs to continue to nurture that relationship bothers you as much as it does. Clearly isn't not a matter of sexual infidelity. Clearly he's not going to leave you for her. Or them. (Unless he's polyamourous.) But there's something about this that isn't working. It could be that the four of them exclude you, or that you feel excluded or a minor presence. Maybe something in that. That might be a way to make it workable for you but it won't be easy.
I hope this helps a bit.
If you want to follow up on this please feel free to write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
You might also want to consult with me or someone about what to do next.
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QUESTION: Yes, I would have to agree that feeling like an outsider or intruder in this situation would be correct. Possibly because I am not included in the plan making or even asked if it is a good weekend. I am just told they are coming, that's it. So, what do I do next?
Answer Your boyfriend rather fiercely defends his right to be with those people whom he cares so much about. As I said the situation has deteriorated and both you guys have backed each other into extreme positions.
Your overall goal is to accept and support his seeing them. Your second is to be included in the events or allowed to take a pass and do something else without it being a relationship breaker.
You also have to be willing to include yourself somewhat, to be acknowledged by them, to establish some kind of friendly relationships with them...at the very least as an important part of his life.
Eventually, you want him to give you the courtesy of including you in the plan making. So for this you have to win back some trust.
I'd have you start by telling him that you don't mind the visits and you like that he maintains that relationship with those people and you see how important it is to him,but at the same time just as you acknowledge their importance in his life you want to know that they acknowledge yours. This either/or business can't be good for anyone and I'm sure that even the other family feels a bit uncomfortable.
