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About Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky
Expertise
I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.

Experience
I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.

Organizations
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Publications
San Antonio Express-News North San Antonio Times

Education/Credentials
M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy BA in Journalism Licensed Professional Counselor Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Divorce Issues > About to deliver 2nd child; contemplating divorce

Divorce Issues - About to deliver 2nd child; contemplating divorce

Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 10/26/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Becky,

I'm a 39 year old professional woman who is eight months pregnant. I've got a wonderful crackerjack of a two year old--and a kind, handsome husband--who has not had a steady job for 4 out of the 5 years of our marriage. Despite the fact that he cleans a mean kitchen, he refuses to get a job--or take on full time childcare for our child because it might interfere with his creativity. He's a free-lancer who was (untruthfully) optimistic about his financial status during our courtship: he hadn't paid taxes for years, barely scraped a living together as an audio engineer, and after we married, just seemed to sit back and let me take the financial burden. My requests that he find steady work and do his taxes soon gave way to nagging. He held a job for about a year, but was quickly "laid off" for fighting with his boss about doing work that he considered below his status; he's not made more than 20-30K per year in the 2 years since (w/no benefits, no retirement--and he's not willing to save for the latter or our children's education). We live in SoCal, so expenses are high, and I run a social service agency (read: heavy hours, lots of stress, moderate financial reward, but not enough to float the ship--especially with one child and another on the way).

We've seen several therapists--he makes grand statements about the changes he'll make and his sage philosophies about life--but with little result (though he did finally do his taxes after 3 years). I've asked that he acknowledge the effect his choices have on our daughter and me; his response is, "...we all make our own happiness." I contend that his happiness is robbing me of mine: I used to have time to paint, sculpt and scuba--now I just work. Basically, the mere sight of him makes me feel resentful, and I can no longer respect his promises that things will change and I that will have the chance to hand the burden over and develop my (formerly) creative side for a while. I no longer respect or trust him.

Lately, under an ultimatum I made upon learning I was pregnant-- that he find a job or put together family-supporting freelance work within a year--he managed to apply for 1 job in 6 months. (Indeed, on his behalf, he has stated that he finds nothing unfair about our situation, so the motivation may simply not be there...) His current response is that wants me to quit my job (too much stress) and move back to his home state where he "believes" he might be able to find work--but considering what I've seen of his job-hunting tactics and success, I think I should hold on to what I've got here, and get a divorce: living with the stress of 5 years of hoping for change is anguishing (and aging), and I can't take a lifetime of it. I'd love some advice...1) Should I call this quits--even with a new baby on the way?; 2) Can I decide to move to another state with the children (I don't think I want to raise them here alone w/out family & emotional support)?; 3) If I choose to remain here, can I move about within the state or must I stay in SoCal? and 4) What are my chances of getting custody if I'm both the main breadwinner and sole breastfeeder?

Answer
Hi Anne,

Thanks for writing. I could feel the frustration you feel oozing out of every word you wrote -- and for good reason!! Where can I find I similar situation such as your husband has so that I can sit back and be in "nervana" while my spouse does all the work and childbearing to boot!

So, you wanted some advice, and here it is:

In answer to question No. 1: No one but you can decide when to call it quits. If you do decided to pull the plug with a baby on the way, what difference will it make? It sounds like he is little or no help at all financially, emotionally ... and uh, is a really clean kitchen worth all you're going through?

2. I would not move because you are likely to be stuck there after a divorce. I would make sure he has changed for a very long period of time before I would accommodate him in such a way. This would be way too big of a risk -- I could virtually guarantee that nothing would change in your marriage but the geographical location.

No, 3 and 4. I am not a lawyer, so I cannot answer those questions. My guess is that you will get joint custody, though, as that is as it should be. No person gets sole custody unless the other parent is abusive.

I really think at some point you have enabled your husband's behavior because you have not drawn a REAL line in the sand. You know by now that he is good at talking and making excuses, but it is high time he take action. If I were in your shoes I would probably demand a separation -- he would be the one to move out -- with the caveat that he can come back when he has worked and provided for the family for six months. This would mean you are not enabling, and he would have a very important decision to make. If he can't get his act together under those circumstances, then he probably won't get his act together. It's time for you to be in the driver's seat and tell him the way it's gong to be rather than vice versa.

Good luck!!

Doctor Becky

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