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About Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky
Expertise
I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.

Experience
I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.

Organizations
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Publications
San Antonio Express-News North San Antonio Times

Education/Credentials
M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy BA in Journalism Licensed Professional Counselor Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Divorce Issues > divorce

Divorce Issues - divorce

Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 10/24/2009

Question
My wife has a boyfriend that is waiting on our divorce to get his. We have not filled anything yet but she only contacts him thru their work computer now and sees him there because she found out I could monitor the cause and texts on our cell phone bill. She lied and told me we were going to work on our marriage but the truth is she kept calling and contacting this guy the whole time. Like I said she sees him at work and now only uses her work phone and computer to contact him. I want to know should I tell my children and since it looks like she is trying to hide everything now should I file ASAP since I still have proof, should I contact her boss and his boss because they both work at the Veterans Health Administration?

Answer
Hi Rick,

I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am sure it is sad, frustrating, and maddening all at the same time.

As marriages fall apart it often sends people into a state of mind that causes them to behave in ways that even they didn't think they were capable of. I always tell clients to forgive those who act put of character (or crazy) during this time for they know not what they do. It is very likely that eventually your wife will settle down, but whether you stay married or not is another issue.

You ask should you tell your kids and your wife's employer. My question to you is, what for? What positive purpose could exposing the "crime" do besides making everyone else suffer as much as you are suffering? If you do tell, you sew the seeds for a nasty divorce and an ugly and uncooperative relationship with your future ex. I cannot express how damaging this is to the kids.

If I were you, I would definitely not tell the kids or the employer. One day the kids will find out and your wife will pay the cost, but if you deliver the news they will come to resent you for it. Please do not stoop to your wife's level. Take the high road and be graceful despite your pain and anger. I don't think you'll ever regret being decent during this storm, and your kids will respect and admire you for it.

I hope thus helps - be strong!

Doctor Becky

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