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About Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky
Expertise
I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.

Experience
I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.

Organizations
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Publications
San Antonio Express-News North San Antonio Times

Education/Credentials
M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy BA in Journalism Licensed Professional Counselor Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Divorce Issues > divorce with a 2 yr old.

Divorce Issues - divorce with a 2 yr old.

Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 10/10/2009

Question
Becky,
I have not one nice word to say of my soon to be ex. He cheated on me for a year, emotionally abused and controlled me, never made time for his daughter and pawns her off on his parents all the time. He is completely hopeless trying to negotiate with. He want's our daughter 50% when he doesn't even have a place to live and has never cared for her since her birth. I have ceased communication with him because he is trying to make everythig an all out war. I feel like I have bent over backwards for him trying to be civil and mature about things, but he name calls and posts untrue statements about our divorce on facebook. I am angry with myself that I wasted a whole year trying to make our marraige work to no avail, but most of all I have extreme feelings of hatred and disgust toward him over everything that he has sabatoged. It seems so unjust that he is making this a nasty divorce, and I blame him for everything. My question is how do I get rid of the awful feelings of hate and bitterness? I've already severed communication for the time being because it just fuels things when I play his games. I'm not trying to take his daughter from him, but I don't think he deserves to have her 50% of the time. So I have an attorney involved, and now he's acting like I'm the "bad guy". Any advise you have would be helpful.
Thanks,
distraught
p.s. this letter doesn't even begin to skim the surface of all that he has done to make an absolute mess of our entire family's lives for the past 2 years.

Answer
Hi Meg,

I am so sorry that you are in such pain after the end of your marriage. I understand the emotions that come with the breaking off of an emotional/love and business/legal attachment that marriage is. You have my sympathy.

You asked how you can let go of your anger and bitterness. Maybe it will help for you to understand that such feelings will only hurt you and no one else. Feeling that level of stress releases chemicals in your brain that tear up your body. It causes plaque to build in your arteries ... and all of these things are why doctors say that stress kills -- because it really does! Also, the high emotions you are feeling also say that on some level you still care. If you didn't care, I would expect to see apathy. I'll bet you feel that he doesn't deserve your caring, and I would say it is high time you find your way to apathy -- it is much healthier!

I once had lunch with a local psychiatrist that I refer clients to for medications, and he told me that he correlates how "crazy" a person is to how quickly they bounce back from the bumps in their life. This really stuck in my mind, and I know from when I went to school that resilience (bouncing back) is highly valued when it comes to mental health. It is what all therapists look for in healthy families.

Last but not least, you are your child's role model. You are showing her how to deal with distress. Also, it scares children to death to see their parents in an anger frenzy or distraught. Yes, they should see us cry and be sad, but at some point it scares them and affects them emotionally. Divorce doesn't hurt kids, the acrimony (fighting) in divorce does. I always strongly urge my divorcing clients to cooperate and not fight and use all of their self control for the sake of their children -- it makes a HUGE difference, believe me.

Even though your soon-to-be-ex is a rotten person, he still deserves a place in your child's life. The child loves him and deserves to know him as much as she knows you. She will make her own decisions about the kind of person it is, and it is much healthier for her to figure it out on her own than for you to spell it out for her. Looking back to childhood and divorce, most adults resent when one of the other parent tried to influence them against the other.

Well, that's a lot of information, and I hope it helps. Be gentle with yourself ... you need and deserve it.

Good luck!

Doctor Becky

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