AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question Dr Becky,
My husband of 8 years moved out 12 days ago. It wasn't after a "blow-up" or anything. We did have an issue but after barely speaking for a week we knew we needed to talk about us...our marriage. We talked and together decided that our marriage was not working the way it is now...that we were not happy living like we are living. We both acknowledge that we still love each other very, very much but can't seem to find our way back to each other. There seems to be so little compromise. It's like we are living 2 seperate lives. One without consideration of the other. He says "we don't agree on anything, and that is not going to change". I was hoping that this would be a period of separation only. This has happened before and we both vowed to change...we talked about what needed to change and for a short time things were better. But we failed to put a true plan in place and follow through with it. Another thing that complicates our situation is that he is a practicing Muslim, he is Egyptian. I am Christian, though no longer practicing (I was until I met him then my life became him). So the cultural differences are vast and complicated. I just can not understand how 2 people can love each other so much and how he can be so unwilling to try...or to make changes to save our marriage. I realize that I have things to change as well but in my heart I believe that we can do it, that our marriage is worth fighting for and saving. I believed in the vows we took and he says he did too...yet he is so willing to give up. Each time he has been back to the house, to get clothes or for our daughter's birthday (not his biological daughter, but she was 4 when we married and he is the only father she has known), its clear how much we love each other, yet he leaves. What is happening? Why is he being so resistant to giving our marriage another chance? He even had a hard time looking at me and saying "yes" when I asked him if the marriage as over. Yet he says "if there is anything you need...call me and I will be here". I just don't understand! I am devastated and sad beyond words. He says he loves me and misses me and remembers everything, the way it used to be. He says he can't sleep at night because his heart says "yes" but his mind keeps saying "no". We have had trust issues due to his lying to me in the past and I had questioned his fidelity, though he denies this. The fact that he talks on the phone all the time, in Arabic, in front of me keeps me seperated from his world. I don't understand arabic and I have no business asking about his conversations. I admit that I have a part in this as well...I have made mistakes and I am willing to change...to work hard at it. What is happening to this marriage? Please help me. Dr. Becky. I want to save our marriage.
Answer Hi Marcey,
It does sound as if your husband is breaking away, and the sad news is that he is probably not telling you everything about how he is feeling, and it's possible he never will. It does sound like he may be having an affair, although few will ever admit it. When I hear stories like yours, however, where the husband has turned his back on the marriage and is feeling apathetic about improving things, I think: infidelity.
Perhaps you may want to do some checking around. If your marriage has a chance of being saved it needs a major shake up, and confronting him with solid evidence of an affair can do just that. You asked how this situation can happen, and it happens because spouses often are reluctant to express themselves honestly in marriage. This is for a variety of reasons, including a desire to avoid confrontation. If your marriage is to make it you both will have to learn to be honest about your needs.
