AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question Hi there. This question may get lengthy as this is a probably not a situation that is brought to the table in your everyday practice. I will explain the situation and then ask a couple questions.
My (I guess) estranged wife and I agreed a while ago that when we would go through the divorce process that we would both be civil towards one another and not cause any addtional stress and headaches that a divorce will naturally cause. Over the course, we have not had any major disagreements about anything. Up until today, we have agreed on custody, support and division of our property without any static. At some level, this is the best we have gotten along ever since before the marriage so I really haven't been stressing out about anything until yesterday afternoon.
I knew that she had starting dating a guy named "J". From what she told me, "J" was a nice guy who liked the kids, good job, common interests and was very good to her. To me, that actually brought a sense of happiness to me as I still care about her but now it's just in a different way. It's also important to me that our children and him got along so well to which really made me feel good about it. So for a time, things were going great. My soon to be ex had found a good guy and I have found an awesome woman whom is good, sweet, nice, and loves our kids and vice versa.
Things started to turn south Sunday afternoon. It started when I found a birthday card that my oldest made for "J". On the inside of the card, it read "Your birthday won't be any fun without you here. I miss you already and can't wait for you to come home." In my eyes, that seemed quite odd and inappropriate for my son to address her bf in that way. I talked to him about it and he didn't say much. Later on that day, me and my 2 boys were out playing catch when my youngest saw my ex talking on the phone and he asked if she was talking to "Daddy bf". That really bothered me. When I talked to the ex, she denied up and down that either her or him had said anything that would put them in that frame of mind but she said that she would talk to them and make sure that they know the difference between me and the bf so I just let it go.
Today she was helping me move some stuff and she was texting him and she was telling me how she wasn't happy with him and when I asked her why she said that the bfs WIFE was getting him upset and he was taking it out on her. Up to that point, I didn't know she was dating and introducing our kids to (as bf) a married man. That REALLY bothers me for the obvious reasons. I told her how I felt and her reply was "I am going to win. She's not. He told me that I was his dream girl." etc etc... I wasn't having any part of that at all and made very clear how I felt and she said that she wasn't going to do anything about it and that she and the boys were happy.
Well, since she wasn't going to do something about it, I did. I contacted him via internet and told him (summarized) to A) Either leave your wife to be with my ex or let my ex go because her and the boys are becoming too attached and I don't want to see anyone go through that, especially in the middle of our divorce. B) He also needs to make clear to the boys that he ISN'T their dad or even close and C) If you have no intention of being with my ex for the long haul, tell her now and move on because neither her or the kids deserve that.
Well, of course he didn't respond back to me but did respond to my ex and, for lack of a better descrpition, it didn't go well and he told her that he was staying with his wife. Personally, I pretty sure that he never had any intention of leaving his wife and was content with my ex being the other woman, but that's just opinion. So after all of that here are my questions...
A) Am I/was I over reacting to that birthday card and my youngest sons referral to him as "Daddy bf". And was my action to that appropriate.
B) Did I overstep my bounds contacting him to let him know what he was doing to her and my kids and how could I have done things differently.
Thank you for your time and expertise on this delicate matter...Chris
Answer Dear Chris,
Thanks for writing.
Yes, in my opinion you did overreact. We should allow our children the space to call their parent's new love whatever feels comfortable for them. To take a stand as you did will only cause your child guilt and shame. A name is a just a name, but blood is thicker than water. You will always be dad and nothing can take that, or your place in your child's heart, away. I would just be happy that he likes the guy, and I would encourage him to have a good relationship with whomever the mom ends up with. Never take a stand that will end up with your son feeling like he has to hide his feelings about something or someone.
As far as contacting the man, you were way out of line. (Sorry for the brutal honesty, but you did ask!) It is none of your business what this man's intentions are, and this was a matter between your ex and the man. Inserting yourself without your anyone's request was a very controlling and selfish act, indeed. I don't blame your ex for being angry with you.
In the future, I would work on controlling the only thing you can control, and that is yourself.
