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About Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky
Expertise
I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.

Experience
I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.

Organizations
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Publications
San Antonio Express-News North San Antonio Times

Education/Credentials
M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy BA in Journalism Licensed Professional Counselor Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Divorce Issues > Contemplating Divorce

Divorce Issues - Contemplating Divorce

Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 11/5/2009

Question
Dear Dr. Becky,

I have been married for over 10 years and have three beautiful children. Until 8 months ago, my husband had a very low-paying job, relative to his skills and even with my working full-time, we could not get by easily. For over 5 years, as we accumulated credit card debt, I asked and then begged him to change jobs. He refused, insisting no one would hire him. Finally, when I threatened to leave with the kids, did he get up and get a new job that pays significantly more. Things are slowly getting better on the financial front. However, in the process of going through all this – and managing all of the financial decisions and many other decisions on my own – I’ve lost most of the warm feelings I have for him and am contemplating separation and divorce.

He is a loving father and it seems wrong to deprive my children of his presence and to deprive him of their presence. However, I can’t seem to come back to the loving feelings I had for him in the beginning, despite the fact that he finally stepped to the plate. We have tried counseling but are not progressing with it.

Do I settle for a roommate situation with my spouse, “for the sake of the children”? Of course, neither of us is satisfied with this. It doesn’t seem fair for me to leave him now that he finally did the right thing. However, he still leaves me on my own with many of the important decisions and that still frustrates me immensely.

Thank you.

Sara

Answer
Hi Sara,

Thanks for writing and I am sorry for the distress you are feeling in your marriage. No, I do not think it is good to stay married for the children -- they need to be exposed to a loving marriage, not one in which their mother sacrifices her happiness for others. If you role model being a martyr, you will raise future martyrs who do the same thing.

Still, when someone is thinking of divorce I urge them to slow down the decision. You should be in therapy with your husband ... your marriage needs a shake up to see if you can experience an "energy shift" that would change how you feel toward your marriage. I see this happen all the time, so I know it is possible. A therapist will help you two air out your disappointments and frustrations, and help you to repair the damage done. If after working hard in therapy you still feel that you would be better off without him, I would feel better about that decision than I do now.

I hope this helps and wish you the best.

Doctor Becky

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