	AllExperts > Divorce Issues
	Search

About Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Expertise
Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience
I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.

Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Divorce Issues > issues w/ boyfriends ex

Divorce Issues - issues w/ boyfriends ex

Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 11/3/2009

Question
I am a 30yr old single mother, by single my sons dad is out of the picture. I am involved with a 29 year old man who I knew back when we were kids and got back in touch 1 1/2 ago. He is divorced and has 2 kids. His ex-wife is the exact opposite of me, lazy, white trash,no income other than child support, neglects her children etc.. he has had many talks with her how she needs to change her ways...Anyway she has a live-in boyfriend so alimony has stopped. Child support pays for the rent of her house. She became pregnant/high risked I told my boyfriend her pregnancy better not become our problem. It has... and I am at my wits end with her making bad decisions in life. I understand completely that my b/f needs to be there for his kids 100%. But if I stay with him all her problems will be part of my life and I know I can not deal. I feel like I'm in a 3rd party relationship. Not only does he pay child support but buys and pays for everything for them since she can not afford it. I feel like since she is having another baby and has a man in her life he should step up to the plate financially and take some of the burden off my b/f. As of now she is in ICU 5 months pregnant after being told she should conceive again. Her 1st son was born at 6 months and was in the NICU for 6 months..I think this is insanely selfish of her especially for the child and that she can't financially take care of her kids as is.So my b/f has the kids till she gets out of the hospital.I know I'm being selfish cause I can honestly say I enjoy his kids when he has them which is overnight one night a week and every weekend, but not when she just drops them.I have no idea what to do. I'm starting to resent my b/f for so many reasons all having to do with her. Is it worth it to stick by his side? Or is this just the beginning and only gonna get worse? His kids are 3 and 8. Mine is 10 and very mature and well behaved, smart and all around a good kid. His when dropped off always dirty from her, smelly,not the brightest and just a total different up bringing then my son. I can't stand her boyfriend cause he verbally attacked me at a wedding infront of many people..Just low class and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Help...

Answer
Dominique,
I've seen this situation before. Bad news.
My experience with these -- The ex wife and mother of ex's children from hell -- is that the situation doesn't change. You can look forward to years of this. Nothing you guys can do will change her. You have to plan accordingly.

If you and your boyfriend stay together, this will become a shared burden. You have to be careful. First of all, do not underestimate how much you will grow to hate her. Also, remember, as much as you hate her, she also hates you. The verbal attacks from her boyfriend were a message from her which he delivered.

The question for you and your boyfriend is whether your love for each other and the children is greater than your hatred of her. There will be times when it isn't and you both have to be on guard for this.

With someone like this, you have to expect the worst. Be prepared at some point to be involved with the courts, with lawyers, with child protective services. Be prepared for fraud on her part. Be prepared for false accusations against you. Think seriously about challenging the custody arrangements because the welfare of those children is at stake. If the boyfriend attacked you for her sake, he will also attack the children. If the children grow fond of you they will be punished by her. You have your hands full.

Also, I'd have a child therapist involved as well.

Sorry. This is the worst case scenario. It might be not so bad but if you are prudent,with people like this you have to be prepared for the worst.

You may write me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Add to this Answer Ask a Question