Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 6/23/2009

Question
I am currently married to my husband who has been having a sexual affair since March 23, 2009. After figuring out this was happening, I asked my husband to leave. I have allowed him to return 3/4 times, each time, realizing that he continues having a relationship with the female. My son saw my husband with the girl last Saturday. When my husband came home, I asked him to leave again. Each time he leaves, he moves in with his lover. I am ready for a divorce. What do you recommend? Our son continues to live at home, and has a job. We were married June 1986.

Answer
Hi Alesia,

What you are experiencing is no doubt your own hell on earth, and I am so sorry for that.

It is true that those having "love" affairs are in a trance, and they will lie and lie about whether or not the romance is continuing. The trance feels like a drug ... and it is addicting and difficult to walk away from.

Unfortunately, this is a huge decision you are facing, and it is your decision. What I can tell you is that while you police him and stay "on top" of the situation, he is unlikely to do as you'd like. (Many times these affairs are a mini-rebellion against authority ... meaning you.) If you release and let him do his thing, the affair sometimes becomes less appealing and adulterers may return home, seriously contrite and ready to get serious about improving their relationship with their spouse, in this case, you. If this happens, you must, MUST, get couples therapy ... there is a reason he had the affair, and it is usually because he felt he wasn't getting his needs met with you. You must find out what these issues are and they must be rectified so that the same scenario doesn't come up again.

I hope what I tell you helps. If I was in your shoes I would stop the back-and-forth see-saw and let him do his thing. If he comes back, you'll know what to do. In the meantime, work on your own health and well-being. You have every reason to pamper yourself during these days, and you deserve it.

Good luck to you!

Doctor Becky