AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Thank you for taking the time to look at my question. My ex wife and I divorced almost five years ago. We had a long drawn out divorce (almost two years) a lot of it was over custody, me not wanting the divorce and trying to work out our marriage.(She had an affair) The final straw was her getting pregnant by the other man.
In order to try and get my head back to some form of sanity I decided to move. (We lived in a small town) I relocated after discussing it with my children. I have been living in the new location (around 1400 miles away) for the past four years. With a few minor bumps here and there the custody arrangements worked out ok. In our divorce decree we have shared custody and shared placement. When I moved that changed. Which brings me to my question..
I am supposed to get my children on the first Saturday after they get out of school until a week before they go back to school (this is in our decree)and also on Holidays. I pay for the Airfare to and from there location. My youngest fell and broke her pinky finger. It was a spiral break that she had to have surgery on. She did this a day before they were supposed to fly here. They couldn't set up the surgery until the following monday. I was angry at first because I saw no reason that both children couldn't fly down here and I have it fixed down here. She was going to be in discomfort until that monday where I could have had it done earlier.
I did not have refundable tickets so I lost the money from both tickets because my ex refused to send my oldest by herself. Now, I am not a wealthy person I save money in order to purchase these tickets. I requested that my ex help me repurchase tickets. She said NO, she has her own cost associated with this. I pay her child support, I speak with my children everyday. I am NOT an absent father. I do regret moving so far way but at the time. I needed to remove myself from the area.
Now it is almost a week past when I was supposed to have my children and my ex is not working with me to bring my children here. I can repurchase tickets that would not cost me 400 dollars a piece in the middle of the week. She is not willing to do so .. she would have to take another day off of work. She has threatened not to let my children come here at all. My youngest has to have the pins removed in about 6 weeks. I told her that I can have it done here. She said No I want it done here.
I am at a lost because since I do not live close she knows she has me over a barrel. I do not want to press contempt charges. But, I do not see much of an alternative. Does this make me a bad father? I just want to see my children. I have not seen them since last summer because of a mix up with the Holidays.
Any advice you could give would be appreciated.- R
Answer That is one of the most difficult situations I've ever heard about.
It's hard for me to think about it.
My second thought was that if it was hard for me to understand how that relationship works, it's probably also hard for the kids to make sense of it and of their relationships with either one of you.
I only know some of the broad facts, and don't know the little stuff and the ins and outs, but it's a confusing picture.
She has an affair. First of all, that's fairly unusual for it to be a woman who does it, and especially a woman with young children and then, beyond that, to actually keep it up during the divorce and get pregnant again.
It suggests that she was pretty dismissive of you and didn't care a whole lot about her relationship with you. That might also summarize how she feels about her childrens' relationship with you as well.
"Can't take a day off work. Tough luck, buddy. Deal with it." That's about how she is, right? Always was?
And if that's so, then why did you fight the divorce? Did you see that in her before you married her?
Well, in my experience these are pretty stable patterns and you'll be dealing with that stuff forever. She will basically give you as little as she can whenever the occasion arises. Also, and again I don't know the specifics of your situation but in relationships like this, the dismissive one can always go several steps farther than the one who tries to find workable answers.
So based on that, I think you have a hell of a problem.
If I'm right so far, it's also possible that you have a very deep habit, maybe one you are barely aware of, of being willing to ask for too little when you enter a relationship, and of being willing to do more than is good for the relationship. Also you may have a blind spot about this. That's another conversation, but perhaps a worthwhile one.
I'm not sure what you should do. I'd be tempted to say just bring the kids out, have a local doctor look at them and then make up your own mind about sending them back for the finish of the surgery.
Another possibility is to bring that court action. Sometimes in situations like this (and again, my reading of it is only based on clues in your narrative and I could be wrong) you have to take a strong stand and let the person know that you won't be pushed around anymore. But that's a tough call for me to make based on a short letter.
