AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question Hi Becky, I have been in relationship with a man for almost two years now. He was married then but his marriage was going downhill at that time. I would say he needed emotional support and a listening ear and I happened to be in that place at that time and we connected too well. These last two years have not been a smooth sail especially for me. After the so called honeymoon period, when I really came into my senses, I started feeling burdened and stressed with the whole idea but it was too late then, as we really loved each other and wanted to be together for life. Inspite of the love, I could never come to terms with the fact that I was with a married man who would soon be divorced and I would have to deal with issues related to his would be ex-family. Many times, we went apart because of this but everytime something or other happened that brought us back or he would tell me that he would do anything for us to be together and I started believing it was meant to be. Honestly, if I think back now, we should have stopped then as I was not feeling comfortable and tolerant with the whole situation. I have not been at peace since long.
Long story short, now he is divorced and I am dealing with all those post-divorce issues. He feels the need to support his ex-family for some time till they are capable of going on their own and the worst part is where he wants to be part of his adult daughter's life who is living with her biological mother. This is making me feel so miserable as this would mean he would see his ex-wife everytime he goes to meet his daughter. I knew from the beginning that I won't be able to take all this and tried to stop the relationship but everytime, he brought me back saying that it will work out. Now, as it is time to take the next step, I just can't do it. I feel that whatever he said in last two years to keep me with him was superfluous in front of the reality standing in front of us now. I cannot or want to stop him from doing things that he wants to do for them but at the same time, I cannot be with him this way any longer. I just can't lie to myself nor him today only to go through a miserable relationship ahead and most probably another divorce. I strongly believe that one cannot have doubts and unhappiness surrounding him/her when committing to a relationship and thinking it will be all fine later. Its never like that.
Is my decision of baling out this late right? His claim is that we came all this far (we have gone through a lot of hell in these years) and dropping everything now would mean that whatever we had was not true love and we have failed. Contradictively, I feel blessed for the love we had for each other but if I am not able to accept his reality today, it is wise to step out and save the worst. According to him, he has done or minimized whatever he could to his best to keep me happy but it is not working for me. Please advise.
Answer Hello Stacey,
Thanks for writing, and from Canada!
Dating men who are married and/or in the process of getting divorced is never easy. You are discovering first-hand all the pitfalls and problems that come with it, and it wouldn't surprise me if you found out that there are more to come.
About your beau and his adult daughter -- he should be meeting her at a different location that his ex's house. Of course, picking her up from her house isn't so bad, but going inside the house and visiting will not be healthy for his new relationship, which is with you, and he should respect that. It isn't realistic to think that he will never see his ex, and I'm sure you know that. He will see her at special family celebrations that involve their children .. that is to be expected.
Should you leave? This is a tough question that only you can answer. After reading your letter, I am wondering what positives there are here that would want you to stay. Of course you care, but that isn't enough to sustain a couple over time. It sounds to me like you've been unhappy for a long time and are afraid to finally cut the cord. Just because you've been through hell and back together won't be enough, either.
Maybe you should take a break for a few weeks so you can clear your head and get a sense of what is truly healthy and nourishing for you. Don't allow him to pressure or guilt you in your decision-making process. I think with a few weeks on your own the answer will become apparent. Remember, relationships are supposed to feel good, not bad. If this one isn't enhancing your life, I'd consider stepping away.
