Expert: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky - 6/26/2009

Question
Dear Dr. Becky, I have been married for 5 years, have 2 teenage stepchildren (I have no children of my own), am employed full-time and I'm thinking of leaving my husband.  He has nearly bankrupted us in the last year, and the economy is only partly to blame.  I bring home about 1/3 more than he does (he has child support and alimony from his first marriage to pay) yet every dollar I make goes into this house and his children.  In the last few months my pay has taken care of his alimony once, and for the past 3 years I've paid for the oldest child's college (his son's mother wouldn't pay) I have told him how bad our money situation is (did I mention I take care of all bills and budgeting?) and for about 2 days after this type of conversation all is well; only to be followed by $200-$700 dollars to be spent like water through a sieve.  I came into this marriage with a retirement fund (It's been cashed in).  A savings account (long gone!)  I had a great car (sold it to save gas money, now I have the worst car in the family - but I paid MY cash for it!), WE pay over $500 per month for his 2 year old car; and I had a good paycheck.  My pay has increased over the years, along with our debt, the ONLY decrease has been in security and (sometimes) my sanity!  I have begun to "gather" information on my liability for outstanding debts, and now I'm stalled.  I take a great deal of responsibility for agreeing/being a martyr/signing loan papers/not keeping money separate/paying for his children/generally believing I was keeping the peace, but it's been at my expense; literally.  I feel numb right now; I'm being pleasant but he knows something's up.  
Thank you for any advice you can offer,
Chris

Answer
Hi Chris,

You sure have some enormous problems on your hands, and I empathize with you. I once was involved in a similar situation .. I had financial security, and then married a man who leaned on me constantly for financial things. I gave and gave, and eventually lost everything I had. When I had no money left, he divorced me!

So what is the lesson?

Well, if I had it to do over again I would not be so financially enmeshed. I would choose NOT to bail him out, make loans, or pick up the slack he always seemed to need. You don't have to keep doing this. I urge you to take charge of your life and create firm financial boundaries. Have your own account, don't have a joint account. If you can't do it, go to a therapist and find out why.

Good luck to you.

Doctor Becky