AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question Dear Dr. Becky, I have been married for 5 years, have 2 teenage stepchildren (I have no children of my own), am employed full-time and I'm thinking of leaving my husband. He has nearly bankrupted us in the last year, and the economy is only partly to blame. I bring home about 1/3 more than he does (he has child support and alimony from his first marriage to pay) yet every dollar I make goes into this house and his children. In the last few months my pay has taken care of his alimony once, and for the past 3 years I've paid for the oldest child's college (his son's mother wouldn't pay) I have told him how bad our money situation is (did I mention I take care of all bills and budgeting?) and for about 2 days after this type of conversation all is well; only to be followed by $200-$700 dollars to be spent like water through a sieve. I came into this marriage with a retirement fund (It's been cashed in). A savings account (long gone!) I had a great car (sold it to save gas money, now I have the worst car in the family - but I paid MY cash for it!), WE pay over $500 per month for his 2 year old car; and I had a good paycheck. My pay has increased over the years, along with our debt, the ONLY decrease has been in security and (sometimes) my sanity! I have begun to "gather" information on my liability for outstanding debts, and now I'm stalled. I take a great deal of responsibility for agreeing/being a martyr/signing loan papers/not keeping money separate/paying for his children/generally believing I was keeping the peace, but it's been at my expense; literally. I feel numb right now; I'm being pleasant but he knows something's up.
Thank you for any advice you can offer,
Chris
Answer Hi Chris,
You sure have some enormous problems on your hands, and I empathize with you. I once was involved in a similar situation .. I had financial security, and then married a man who leaned on me constantly for financial things. I gave and gave, and eventually lost everything I had. When I had no money left, he divorced me!
So what is the lesson?
Well, if I had it to do over again I would not be so financially enmeshed. I would choose NOT to bail him out, make loans, or pick up the slack he always seemed to need. You don't have to keep doing this. I urge you to take charge of your life and create firm financial boundaries. Have your own account, don't have a joint account. If you can't do it, go to a therapist and find out why.
