AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question Ive recently remarried to a wonderful woman and she has two kids 11 and 14. Now previous to our marriage my daughter would call my wife by her first name and Ive always thought this to be disrespectful but also never nipped it in the but. Now that were married we want her to call my wife mom, my daughter says its a little weird but shes OK with it and wanted me to know sometimes she is uncomfortable saying it but it will take some time getting use to. But then goes home to her biological mother and tells her shes uncomfortable calling my wife mom. Maybe my daughter is confused but I think shes being influenced by her Biological mother and Nana, here are some of the comments my daughter has told me her Biological mother and Nana have said.
She is not your mother and your not to call her mom.
You already have a mom.
You don't have to call her mom if you don't want too.
Its almost like she wants too call my wife mom but also doesn't want to hurt her Biological mother either. Sometimes it seems likes at times she wants too and other times she doesn't. I am the parent and want my child to obey me, that being said I do respect my daughters feelings but calling my wife by her first name is not an option. Also I know my ex has a problem with my daughter calling my wife mom that is why I think my daughter is being influenced. For the record we do not make comments too or around my daughter about my ex but I have explained to my daughter why I want her to call my wife mom and her is my explanation...
"by calling my wife mom does not mean she is replacing your bio logical mother, it just means you are respectful to my wife as she takes care of you as your bio logical mother would, loves you just as much, is your friend and caretaker as I am your father. it also signifies the role of each person in the family, mom, dad, child there is no confusion. Calling my wife by her first name is disrespectful and I don't like the etymology of the word "step". It comes from "steop" meaning deprived, or bereaved. In John 14:6 it says "Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." meaning my daughter you call God your Father but you know I am your bio logical father who loves you too. Modern psychology likes to say "step families are born out of loss" This idea and feeling about a step relationship gives an already confusing and complicated family dynamic a negative connotation so calling my wife mom would eliminate negativity, separation and or division of this family and that my wife is your motherly figure that loves you very much."
I had to explain to to my daughter what these word meant and she told me she understands but that she is sometimes uncomfortable saying it.
etymology - Its the history and evolution of words.
deprived - Lacking in advantage, opportunity, or experience.
bereaved - Suffering the loss of a loved one.
connotation - An idea or meaning suggested by or associated with a word or thing.
Finally I talked to a pastor and he tells me she should call my wife mom, calling my wife by her first name confuses the family dynamic and divides the family from the start. He also said that my daughter knows who her biological mother really is and that we should let my daughter decide when to call my wife mom or pick a different motherly name such as mama, mum, mommy or madre. Pray about it and don't force it.
What should we do, I want Carley to call my wife mom or mommy. Ive always felt calling my wife by her name was disrespectful. So I need to come up with a solution quick.
Thanks
Answer Hi Brad,
I hate to tell you this, but I do not agree that you should insist that your daughter call your wife mom. I am adamantly opposed to insisting on this, and wish you could see all of my (now adult) clients I now see who deeply resent being forced to call a step parent mom or dad. It really is unnatural, and that is what your daughter is trying to tell you. BUT, most kids aim to please, and I can see that she is trying to please you with her efforts, but you are simply on the wrong track by not allowing her to call your wife by her first name. I urge you to reconsider this. Calling your wife by her first name is not disrespectful at all, while calling her other things -- names I dare not mention -- might be.
Please reconsider your position on this. Being rigid in this case is very likely to haunt you in the years to come. I urge you to be flexible and allow your daughter to do what she feels comfortable with, and I consider calling your wife be her first name to be a very reasonable compromise.
