AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Like so many others I am in the process of leaving my husband of 17 years (no extra marital activity) purely a case of different personalities that I am not able to deal with any longer. I broke the news to him in the beginning of this week.
I would consider myself quite a social person and him for lack of a better word a "recluse" he does not like having people over as they invade his privacy/space and believe me, he can be extremely rude. Hence we do not have any friends left and he has huge issues with every member of my family. So I have instituted this seperation. This may be a mistake but at this point I feel I would like to try and give my daughter and myself a start to a new life filled with laughter, friends and more merry things.
Without having to "walk on eggs" most days as he does tend to have, lets say "anger management" issues
Now to my actual question : I have read quite a bit on how to handle your children during divorce but they all seems so general. Be honest and let the children express their emotions. Take them to councelling if you see any behaviour that seems to change dramatically etc...
What I need to know is HOW and WHAT and WHEN do I tell her (because believe me my husband is going to hold me reponsible for any adverse changes in her behaviour for the rest of my life).
I want to say/do what is going to be the best for her. How do I tell a six year old that is already a very emotional/sensative child (I believe she already aware of something that is not normal, considering my husband and I have been talking for about two weeks now and we are both not in a financial position to move out, this will only be able to take place in about two months time)
In the time being the atmosphere is so thick you can basically choke on it, and having a long week-end coming up in our country is going to be very.....long......
Maybe I should have waited a little longer before telling him who knows, it's done and now I have deal with it.
So any advise you would be able to give regarding my little one would be appreciated.
I want to time it right and say the right things to her.
Thank-you
Answer Hi Noeline,
I really feel for you during this stressful time, and appreciate that you want to do the best you can for your daughter.
Reading your letter it sounds like your husband may have a personality disorder. The one I am thinking of is "Borderline Personality Disorder," and if he has this, he will not take being left by you very well. There are things you can do during this time to make life easier on you and your daughter if this is the case, so if he does have BPD I recommend that you read about it so you can be prepared. You will find the characteristics of it listed at www.BPDcentral.com, plus there is information and support groups there. If he does have it be sure to read the book "Stop walking on Eggshells," by Mason and Kreger.
As far as your daughter is concerned, I recommend that both parents read the following book to get a sense of what it is in the best interest of the children while going through divorce:
“Helping Children Cope With Divorce.” By Edward Teyber.(You can order it from Amazon directly from my website at: http://www.doctorbecky.com/recommendedreading.html)
Much of what I am about to say is in that book, plus a whole lot more information you will need. Still, here are some of the basics that I tell my clients about telling the children:
1. When you talk to your children about the separation, it is important to do it together. (If your husband will cooperate ... if not, do it alone.) Stress that is it not their fault, and the decision has nothing to do with them, but to do with your marriage and the relationship between the two of you. Reassure them that no matter what happens, they will have access to you always, and that although they will not see you every day, you will still be hands-on and involved completely in their lives.
2. While it is important to be honest with your children about what is going on, it is also important to leave out dirty details, negative comments, or blame. Separations and unhappy marriages are a part of life, and it is important that children not be shielded completely from life’s realities. However, as a family therapist who mops up divorce messes all the time, I can assure you that each time you talk negatively about your child’s parent, you are damaging your child, and the respect and admiration they have for YOU, so DO NOT DO IT. Your child needs the space to feel loyal to both of you. When you provide your child with negative evidence against the parent they love, you confuse this process., and it is a crime against your child’s self esteem and sense of safety in the world. So, do not speak about your spouse positively, negatively, or in any other way, except having to do with logistics – example: “Mom is caught in traffic and will be 10 minutes late to pick you up today.” Period. DO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE: “You know how mom is always late, so of course she’s late again today, what do you expect? She cares about no one but herself”
Frequently asked questions ...
Can I talk to my kids when I’m not with them?
Yes, you can. As far as the separation goes, DO allow the children to receive phone calls and make contact with mom or dad by phone if it brings them comfort. You may just let them know that while you will make every attempt for them to talk every day, they may sometimes miss a day, and that’s OK, and doesn’t mean anything is wrong or they are not thought about or missed. To avoid contact with your spouse, many couples add an additional kid’s cell phone so that the child may have direct contact with the parent they are away from. When it comes to phone contact, when you first sit them down and talk about the separation, also let your children know that once or twice a day phone calls is reasonable, but calling all day and night is not. Tell your child to leave one message for mom or dad, and he or she will call back when able. Same goes for mom and dad – leave one message; refrain from calling over and over. When in the trenches of the separation, help children find a balance when it comes to this.
Do not put your kids in the middle.
Many of my clients have heard the term, “Don’t let your kids become pawns in the divorce or separation process.” What does that mean? I’ve created a list of examples so you can get a clear idea about it …
PAWN DO NOTS …
• DO NOT allow your child to be an informant. Do not ask you child about mom or dad. Nothing. Nada. Not how mom or dad is doing, who they are hanging out with, not if he or she’s happy or sad, not how much beer he or she’s drinking, not how much he or she’s sleeping, or anything else.
• Do not use your child as a go between of information. Examples: Don’t tell your child to tell your partner you love or miss her or him; don’t tell your child to tell your partner you need more money, don’t use your child as a messenger AT ALL!
• Do not manipulate your child to be on your side. Let children figure out who is to blame on their own – and believe me, they will. If you try to influence or sway the vote, it’ll always backfire, and often ends in resentment and many years of estrangement from YOU. Don’t do it.
Other DO NOTS …
• Do not allow your kids to parent or take care of you.
• Do not allow your kids to feel responsible for your happiness. Encourage them to continue with their lives, activities, friendships, even when it’s your time to have with them.
• Do not buy their love, or buy them things because you feel guilty. Disneyland parenting filled with numerous activities is not advised … just live a normal balanced family life – sometimes with activities, sometimes not. It is not good for kids to be entertained 24/7 – and you should not allow yourself to take on the role of the tour or entertainment director. It’s OK for kids to get bored occasionally and learn how to entertain themselves.
• As little change for kids as possible is advised at this time. So, if at all possible, do not move the child or children more than 30 minutes away from the other parent during the Managed Separation process, and keep them in the same schools and activities as much as possible.
DO …
• Always be pleasant, friendly, and respectful with your partner when making the kid exchange. Believe me, your kids will be watching this like a hawk – make them proud.
• It’s OK to be human in front of your children, which means sometimes for brief times being sad, happy, lonely, or bored. BUT, (here’s a do not …) do not wallow in the depths of despair and sadness for many hours or days in front of your children.
• Attend school and sporting events that your child is involved in, even when it is not your day or week to have the kids, but don’t sit with your partner when you do unless invited.
• What kids say or report about your spouse should be taken with a grain of salt, as many times the child is actually trying to manipulate you in some way when doing this. If the problem becomes a continuing one, you may need to do a family session over it, but the idea is not to allow your child to create “splitting” or alliances with mom or dad that leave the other parent in the cold. Parents should be united against splitting.
