AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question My ex and I have two daughters they are now 7 and 9. Our divorce has been final for over two years, my ex was married again in November of 2008, he is now going through another divorce and planning on marrying again as soon as his divorce is final. His new fiance lives on the other side of the country and an old high school friend. The girls have met her a few times in the past and have had a full day play date with his new fiance recently. That aside he is demanding an absolute cut off of contact with his soon to be ex. She loves the girls and they love her. She was their mother for over a year. At the advice of a child psychologist I agreed to assist in slowly "Weaning" them of step-mom time, and that the visits would be supervised by me for a while and then the only contact would be e-mail or phone and then eventually no contact. After one supervised visit I felt like the odd man out, there was not negative talk about the girls dad...there was so many other things talk about, and the girls soon to be ex step mom (STBESM) is a child psychologist, doctor level. So a month later after the girls cried themselves to sleep and called their STBESM saying they wanted a play date; I scheduled a play date I stayed for about 10-15 minutes and then they all went off to CPK for lunch. Two hours later I met them and we sat for 20 more minutes then off we went. The girls were happy and everything was fine. Once they got to their dad's and toLd him he went ballistic and has now forbid them from ever talking to their STBESM when they are with him again. I understand he wishes to get on with his life and start his next marriage but I worry terribly about what this will do to the girls. I think they need time to end their ties to their STBESM. I feel like we are dealing with two separate issues here and he just can't see that. What do I do now? How do I proceed to allow the girls closure, respect their dad, not build abandonment issues, anxiety and just to do the right thing?
The mom!
Answer If it's his relationship with the ex, there's not a lot you can do.
It's such a petty act on his part and it says so much about him. One of my rules of thumb is that sooner or later in every new relationship you have a moment of great sympathy for your partner's ex partner. If this is the kind of mean spirited stuff he does, I can begin to see why you ended up divorced from him when the kids were so young. Also, it turns my rule of thumb on its head. Sooner or later a partner's ex has sympathy for his current partner.
As to the other child psychologist's advice, I don't understand it. I don't understand the "weaning" or why that's a good idea. I would think that the more people there are in the world who love the kids and let them know it, a the better it is for the kids and for everyone. It's good for kids to have a fan club of adults and to interact with a variety of caring grown-ups.
Sounds like they are very bonded to the STBESM. Sounds like she's pretty good with them.
He sounds difficult and impulsive. Irascible is the word that comes to mind. It's possible that he has a mean, petty and vengeful streak and that arguing with him only makes him more unreasonable. Or maybe he's competitive with women. I'm sure there is more to him but there is that as well.
My suggestion is that you establish some boundaries. When he's with the kids he can set any rules he wants to as long as they are not immediately damaging to the kids. Stay out of that relationship. His rages and mean spirit will affect them but there's no dealing with that. You just have to give them a sane alternative.
Let him have his rules in his house and when the kids are with you, you will make different rules according to your best judgment. Disagree respectfully. He'll have to find some way to make peace with that. I wouldn't make it a big issue. I would down play it and not argue. As tempting as it might be, don't get into an argument about what's right. That will only make things worse.
With your own time with them, it would seem okay to have the STB around as much as it pleases you.
As to what "it" will do to the girls...(your ending sentence)...they will get used to him having these attitudes. Your example to them will to be not take it personally and "that's just how dad is." It will help them if you have the boundaries as stated above and you stay good natured about it. "Your dad and I don't always agree and we are divorced so we have different ways of working things out." Give them that message. It's something they will have to understand anyway as they adjust to the divorce and it's a healthy way to think about it.
You might want to schedule a conversation with me on the phone or skype and we could work out a strategy for that. You're getting hooked in some way and you might need support to pull this off. Let me know:
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
