Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 6/23/2009

Question
I discovered my wifes affair at the end of Nov 08.We had been together for 15 years(married 9-1/2). It had been a wonderful relationship/marriage up until discovery. She did wonderful things for me abd made me feel like the lukiest man alive. She is about to turn 40 yrs old and had been working as a server at a local country club serving mostly married wealthy men,soetimes in the dining room as well as the bar. The affair was (is) with a married man who is a member of the club. After discovery I asked if she wanted a dovorce & she said NO!.I forgave her very quickly because she was the love of my life. She promised to end it but I later found out she had not. She left me around the first of January 09. She took only the things she needed for the short term and has not asked for the rest of her belongings. (probably 90% of her things). This mans family has told me that he has cheated on his wife several times prior & that he has addiction issues. My wife contacted me by text message around the first part of march stating that she had found out that he was a "serial cheater and habitual liar" among other things. This contact ended as abruptly as it started. My question is: Why do I still feel that she knows she has made a huge mistake. Why hasnt she asked for her belongings? I am still crazy about her & seem to love and want her more than ever. I have prayed to stop loving her and have tried every way I can to move on but it just will not happen for me. I should have mentioned at the outset that I beleive I was a great husband (she told me so very often) I cant think of anything I ever did to her to change her feelings.
I always made shure that she knew how much I loved & cherished her. Also I am 14 years older than she. I filed for divorce when I discovered she had not ended the affair & was final April 22nd. Why do I still believe she will be back? Why cant I stop loving her? What can I do to help myself heal my broken heart & crushed spirit? I am sorry for goin on and on but I feel that these details might matter. Thanks Rob

Answer
Hi Rob,
Very passionate and moving letter you've written. I hope I can be helpful to you.  

There was so much that struck me. I hope I can do it all justice.

My first thought when I read that she had an affair with one of the wealthy men who as a member at the club where she was a server, was, 'what a sad mistake  I wonder if she imagines he would leave his family.  Did she also imagine that she was his first affair?  You seem to indicate that she did imagine just that.  What a huge mistake. How great the consequences!

When people make a mistake that huge that is a sign that something profound has happened to them. It's a kind of midlife crisis. I would not be surprised to learn that she is filled with confusion at this point. It is the usual thing that happens at the beginning of a midlife crisis. She probably needs some help and support. Such times can be overwhelming and very difficult.

Then I began to wonder how you imagined she was feeling about her misadventure.  In your letter you spend so much time focused on how devastating it was for you, how much you cared about her, how hard you tried to be a good husband.  I couldn't get much of a sense about how you were understanding her.  So I began to think that you also were in a  midlife crisis. Couples often go through them together.

Then I read that you went ahead and filed for divorce and it was final.  How difficult that must have been for you! I did wonder why you went ahead and did that. I thought that maybe it was the best way you could think of to deal with the shock and the betrayal.   

My heart aches for both of you and it does sound like you both are learning very powerful lessons.  It looks to me like one of those midlife crises that comes to both partners in a relationship simultaneously.

One of the reasons I say that is that you took all these drastic actions and they didn't help at all and only made things worse for you. That's often how it is. You probably believe she will be back because your intuition knows more than your thinking knows and that you also sense, intuitively, that you acted in haste.  

There is so much you will have to think about and learn about to get through this.  There will be a lot of soul searching and probably some conversations with your dearly beloved ex.

You'll have to think about what went wrong and what you need to learn. I think you'll also have to think a lot more about her and revise your understanding of her.

It's possible that she thinks you don't know how she feels a lot of the time. I don't know what she would say about that.

SO I hope this helps.  As I said, you are both in the early stages of a crisis,  The first thing you have to do is acknowledge that your life has spun out of control and you aren't sure what you did. Then you'll have to face up to the fact that you don't have all the answers and you'll need to look beyond yourself for them. You'll have to take a good look in the mirror and also have a searching and generous and open hearted and forgiving conversation with  her. You'll probably have to face up to where you did a few things wrong and ask her to forgive you.  That's all quite a bit.

I hope this helps.

I work with with people on the phone and with skype so I you are interested in further consultations, let me know. Thanks for writing me. God speed.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.
drbelove@datintatmidlife.com