Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 6/20/2009

Question
Let me start by saying I realize while writing this there are millions of women that want my head. In rebuttal to that, I state that I can't help my feelings for my man. Currently I have been seeing a man for three months who is 14 years my senior (I'm 22 he's 36) we have known each other for just over a year. He has just begun the process of divorce from his wife of 12 years with whom he has two children (8 and 5). We are in constant contact. We work for the same company and when not at work, we text message or email. Since we have started our relationship there have only been 2 instances where we have gone more than 24 hours without seeing each other. The only times we are not talking is when we are asleep. He has kept me in the loop (to my knowledge) as to the proceedings with the divorce. I often times am BCC’d on emails between him and his counselors or b/w the three of them. He has not moved out yet, they are in counseling to try and keep things civil, and figure out the finances as well as the children, before he leaves. Further, he has a therapist, because he feels incredibly guilty for failing at his marriage, but he is so unhappy he just cannot bear it any longer. Many a night he has wanted to 'cut and run' but I have assured him this is NOT the right decision .

I have a track record of poor choices when it comes to men. When I told my family (with whom I am very close) my current situation they were very disappointed. My parents knew I was going to do what I wanted however, they wished that I would go back into counseling (been in counseling on and off since the age of 6 for anxiety issues) to deal with what seemed to be a prevailing issue with commitment. I willfully agreed as I DO want to commit to this man. I have had two sessions with a new counseler, and have really not come up with anything other then someone else who doubts my relationship and love for this man. I have wanted nothing more than to be with him, to spoil him, to give him all the love and support he has never had in his marriage. Further, since the inception of this relationship, I have stopped all casual sex (much like some men, I had a regular rotation of male “friends” casual sex was my thing). I have no desire for anyone else, which even through a three year “committed” relationship never happened; I have ALWAYS had a man on the side.  

My counselor sees this as an unhealthy obsession that is doomed, his counselor see’s us as a healthy distraction and refers to him as a “starving man being  fed” when he talks about me in their sessions. For sure we have more doubters then positive people. We have no support outside of each other. I realize we are at the beginning of an extraordinary long road but I truly want nothing more than to make it to our wedding day, yes wedding. He and I often talk about the small island we found that we wish to wed on. Does this sound completely insane? I just want a fresh set of eyes I suppose, knowing its still early on, and for sure would be much easier to end now as opposed to later.
I see you have a lot of experience in the field, has the other woman ever won? Is the second time ever the charm?
Thank you for any and all advice, oh, and please ignore the email name, it has to do with my car not my lifestyle 


Answer
Liz.
What does that have to do with a car?
The only thing I can think of is "tin lizzy," the ancient
name for a model T ford. Don't know why they called it lizzy.

Anyway, the other women rarely wins.  ThERE is a famous architecture team and she was his student and they went on to get married and I remember it because it was so unusual.  But otherwise, no. Usually the next marriage has the same sets of troubles and then some.  I'll sketch out some of the reasons next.

The first reason is that people consider women in your situation to be an interloper and a mate poachers. The closer you get to ground zero, the more intense and personal the enmity. So you don't get the social and moral support most marriages get. You get the opposite. That can matter a lot.

People are not comfortable with moral disapproval (except for very conservative folks) and for the most part others try to find any reason but this moral disapproval to describe their feelings and to talk about it.  This might be true for your counselors and friends.  Yet, this moral judgment is almost always there.  I suppose it's because we have a sense of how difficult it is under any circumstances to maintain a marriage and raise mentally healthy children and we don't want to make it normal or acceptable in a community for people to bail on it. People's gut instinct will be to consider that you have a large role in the destruction of that marriage and to hold you responsible.  

This blaming, open or in secret, lingers for a long time. When the divorce is a done deal the network of the interlocking families will remain. There will be still a mother and father and two sets of grandchildren and so on. And everyone but probably the core couple -- grandparents, children, and many others who are threatened by the idea that there is legitimacy in being an interloper - the two of you, will disapprove. That's a big burden on any relationship. So that's one of the main reasons why the affair that ends a marriage had a hard time becoming a solid marriage itself. Weak community support and even enmity

The second reason such marriages fail is that the individuals in your position and your boyfriends position are setting up a marriage destroying precedent.

Your boyfriend has created a secret life to help him manage his stress, and you support him in this secret life.  This sort of thing usually comes back to haunt the women in your position. He did it with you and it worked and there will come a time when you will suspect he will do it to you.

Usually people justify the secretiveness and dishonest by scapegoating the betrayed spouse.  "He wouldn't be having the affair if she weren't such a bitch."  Well, people fall in love and have children with partners who are at about the same level of functioning. You are no more or less sane and solid that he is, and neither one of you are more or less mature that his betrayed wife. If you guys think it's other than that, then you are kidding yourselves in a fairly dangerous way.

I'll explain.

In one of my blogs (www.drbelove.wordpress.com)  I said that a marriage is like a ship on a long ocean voyage. Sooner or later, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. The partners have to be able to handle the inevitable perfect storm.  No one here has a very good track record. The methods you chosen historically are ill guided and a bit hypocritical, self-righteous and unprincipled.  So expect to be tempted powerfully to use those methods again.  

That's all pretty hard language and the trick here is to not take it personally. I'm just telling you what happens and warning you that you do yourself and your friend a disservice if you imagine that you guys will be an exception to the general rule. Better to remember that if it can go wrong, it will go wrong.  The question is how you handle it when it does.  None of the three of you have a good track record.

Having said all that, I do get the sense in your case that you guys are going to go through with all this. You will survive. Everyone will survive. You will have problems. Everyone has problems anyway.

Expect that your boyfriend has a resume that points to equivalent instabilities as yours does. Figure that's true for his wife. No one here has purity.  If he cheated on her, there's a good chance she was vicious in some other ways. There was probably enough dishonesty, fear and pettiness in the situation to give everyone an equal share.

The second time is not a charm.

The old song, Making Whoopee, has this lyric, "Within a year, or maybe less, what's that I hear?, well can't you guess, she feels neglected, and he's suspected, of making whoopee."


Within a year or two or three, in most cases, people are back to where they left off, with simmering resentments and so on. They will be tempted to cheat. They will both be suspicious. Etc.

The difference this time -- if it is going to be different -- will be that they have taken the time to imagine the perfect storm and you will make commitments to handle it differently.

I hope this isn't too difficult for you.  I do telephone and skype counseling. Please refer. Or if you want an additional opinion or a consult, let me know. Contact me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com

The web page is being revised but there is an article on it called What Could Possibly Go Wrong? and you might want to look at it.

Good luck and thanks for writing,

Dhilip Belove, Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com