AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question I cheated on my husband and then left him. The situation was more
complicated than those particulars...but I did those things. I am finding that
time does not heal all wounds. It has been 7 years since I left, and the pain
gets worse and worse. i feel horrible guilt and regret. I relive the events in
my mind endlessly and am horrified that I cannot go back and change things.
I believe I abandoned the love of my life (flawed as he was.) He wants
nothing to do with me. How do I move on? I am haunted every day by my
actions.
Answer It's a midlife crisis thing. Time does not heal all wounds unless they are exposed to light, or consciousness.
From what you say, it is clear that he is also still wounded, and still equally wounded.
A lot of people have given these kinds of situations a lot of thought. Some of the best work on how to recover later in life from the damage you've done to others earlier has been done in the many twelve step programs.
The urge to moral decency is quite powerful in all of us and you are feeling it's demands. In 12 step work people have discovered that the reliable way to serve this stern but high calling is with a searching and fearless moral inventory, followed by a recognition of the exact nature of your wrong doings, followed by an admission of those to yourself, God (or some higher power) and at least one other living person who will understand what you are talking about.
Then it is possible to go to some of the people you've harmed and make amends. When you do that, it has to be to allow them to heal and it can not be corroded by some wish of your own toward them. Your wish has to be to set them free and to allow them to heal from their wounds inflicted by you.
It is possible, after this process to develop your relationship with them further, but only after things are mended.
It's a complex process although many thousands of people have gone through it successfully.
If you want to see it in action, you might want to go to a few sex and love addicts anonymous meetings and just listen as people share their experiences and strength and hope. It's quite remarkable and inspiring.
If you feel like doing this work, let me know. I would be happy to help you. I get the sense that the complicated particulars are important and part of the story you need to come to terms with.
I counsel on the phone and through skype. You can reach me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Meanwhile, congratulations on your courage in stepping up to the challenge. It takes a lot of integrity to be willing to face this stuff in your past.
