AboutKindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger Expertise I can answer general questions regarding separation, property, and some custody questions. I cannot answer legal questions or specific questions pertaining to individual states and counties. I can offer support through the pending time, as well as offering assistance and ideas as you move on as a single individual. I can tell you how to avoid repeat pitfalls and help you learn to leave old baggage out of new relationships. I can help you work through the contemplative time of "what if" and "if only." I am able to offer advice in dealing with unnecessary guilt, undeserved judgment, and share insight as to discerning between concerned friends, family and coworkers and nosey gossips.
Experience I have been divorced more than once and am now married to my soulmate. We are living the exact life we both wanted to build 30 years ago, long before we ever met. Well actually it's better than I had dared hope.
Question I'm sorry if this is long and i probably will leave alot out. I have been married for less than 3 years and with my husband for a total of 5 years.I am 28 and he just turned 30. It has always been rougher than most but we had such a strong love for each other. We genuinely liked and loved each other so much. we are each other's best friend. My husband married me knowing i was trying to beat a drug problem. he has always put me first and been so loving, affectionate and attentive. he always wrote me and told me that i was the love of his life, that all he wanted was me. After just 8 months of marriage he said he was leaving. he said he didn't want to but he had to. he said he was in love with me but he didn't feel i loved him. Now looking back, i have been suffering from depression this whole time. he felt i didn't care b/c i didn't go out with him, i didn't engage him, and we only had sex once a month. I didn't even realize i was doing this. All i knew is that i loved him more than anything. i thought me telling him all the time how in love with him I was was enough. But all i did was sit on the couch and watch TV. it funny because all i wanted was him, to be with him, and for him to love me. We broke up for 3 months and then he came back saying he didn't want to live without me and i promised i would change.he admitted he shouldn't have left and that he was scared by how much he loved me. he was afraid of trying too hard and afraid of trying too little. fast forward to the next summer, he threatened again this time because i had promised to go to a detox to get off methadone and i hadn't yet. he didn't belive me anymore. I scheduled my detox the next day and he was back 3 days later. After the detx he was sooo happy. he said it was like being married to me for the first time again. That was 10 months ago. Three months ago i had a relapse for a few days. I hid it from my husband. Days before the relapse he had said to me " Nothing could ever make me leave you but drugs" So i was scared to tell him thinking he would leave me. I decided to go through withdrawal on my own. I took some pills and passed out. he found me like that and as soon as i was awake he said I am taking you back to your parents, we are getting a divorce.
the thing is he keeps telling me different reasons as to why he is leaving. he says the drugs was the last straw. he says i was a horrible wife and in looking back i was. He cried to me telling me that all he wanted was his wife, he missed me for these past few years and that he cried himself to sleep. he says he doesn't belive in me anymore. I didn't now i was a bad wife because he always praised me and said how great a wife I was and that the smartest thing he ever did was to marry me. How was i to know ? I do want to change and i am in therapy but now my husband says he doesn't believe i will change and he doesn't care if i do change, it is over. on top of all this i found out he had an affair a year ago. he says since i wasn't having sex with him he found someone who made him feel wanted and appreciated since i didn't. he tells me all he really wanted was me though.he says he is ashamed and he cried to me " all i wanted was for you to want me and love me, why werent you there, why didnt you love me" Now, basically five days after he left he has already sleeping with people and "talking to girls" i told him how much this hurts me. he says he doesn't feel anything for any of them. That i broke his heart and he feels nothing. I feel it is such a dishonor to our marriage that he has gotten with people so quickly. he doesnt af=gree and says it none of my business because we are over. First he tells me he misses me and now he tells me he doesn't. i don't understand how if literally days before he left me he was telling me i was the love of his life and that he wouldn't leave and now he has no problem leaving, How could it be true that he was so in love with me if he is divorcing me? I cry everyday. All i want is my husband back. I don't know what is true and what isn't. I know i was a bad wife but i feel he gave up on our marriage. I feel the whole point of our vows is to rely on them when things GEt hard. he says he is not giving up, that he has been fighting all this time. I don't know. i want him back and i don't know how to make him see we can have a great marriage. I see now what i was doing. He says if the drugs hadn't happened we would be together but he wouldn't have been happy. he says he doesn't miss me because i remind him of sadness. Can he go from being so in love with me to not in a matter of days? how can he be dating already if i meant so much to him? he says he will not give me any chances- he has already given me to many. i feel because he opened that door to divorce that first time, he never closed it and it is sooo easy to walk through now.It is funny that he always "leaves" every spring/summer. When he talks to me you would never know this was the same man i was married to all this time. he seems like a different person. he gets mad when i cry to him, that he shouldn't have to hear it, that it breaks his heart, then he gets mad. I don't know what to do. I know we do have all the ingredients for a good marriage: we love each other, like each other, enjoy each other's company, love talking to each other, are attracted to each other- why wont he try. I cant understand, if he wanted me so bad that he would leave? arent we supposed to fight for each other and stick through the good times and the bad ? I accuse him that he just wants to be single- he says no. he says he wanted the marriage and he does not regret marrying me. If it was so miserable- why doesn't he regret it ? When this first all happened he was nice and sweet and cried and told me how i would be his only wife and that i was irreplaceable. Now he gets annoyed by me and gets mad at me and treats me like a stranger. What is going on? what do i do? Do we have any chance? I feel like all we fought for these past few years are in vain and it is such a waste to throw away what we have. Please tell me what to do. is this my fault, is it both our faults? how do i convince him to try one more time?how i do i show him that he can still believe in me? I really didn't realize how unhappy and lonely he was- he doesn't believe that though.I am willing to change. i want the same things he wanted. I want to spend time with him and make love to him more-all those things.He says too little too late. he said he could take if it was just me being a bad wife or if it was just the relapse but not both. I feel like my life flipped all in one day. I lost everything in one day. I miss him so much. he says he is done and nothing will change his mind.Please help me. I am hanging by a thread.
Answer Dear Brooke,
Sadly this is what happens to some couples and the two of you have several issues that are enough to break a strong marriage. Addiction camouflages the symptoms and when the one addicted finally realizes it, it's often beyond the breaking point for the other person involved. Whether it's drugs or alcohol or gambling, the non-addict stays "addicted to the addict" as long as they can, calling it love, but once they are no longer "addicted" to the addict, it's very difficult to re-establish the relationship.
Another issue is the depression and rejection. I can give you a personal example of that. I am still with my husband who never really showed much interest in me once we were married, and I'm not going anywhere, but I no longer care if we do anything together or share anything. Even if he suddenly showed interest in me, I don't think I would be able to reciprocate.
All through your lengthy question, you make several references to him, still as to how he's not acting properly now that you've decided to change.
My advice to you, is to change. Change for your own health and outlook and if he sees the change is for real, not for him, that may change him. But in any addiction and mental health issues, the change has to be for the individual that has the problem, then those around can see the difference.
I wish you well and pray for your success.
Kind Regards,
KD
www.eingedi.us
