Question QUESTION: Hello Kay. I've been divorced two years and share 50/50 custody of our 7yo son. My ex has been in a relationship since before day 1 and is now moving in with her man a few suburbs away. Our separation can be characterised as largely cooperative but I have had to endure regular bouts of anger from my ex, in between periods of neutrality and cordiality. This anger is unpredictable in its timing (and ferocious) as are times when she is pleasant to me. I didn't interfere in her new life, yet she presumed to vent her anger at me (why I have no idea). Then, amazingly, last November she wanted to reunite with me and even sent her new man packing and went house-hunting with me! But in a week or two she changed her mind and said we could be 'very good friends' instead. Now she's moving in with the new man (who is 15 years her senior). My question concerns how I look after myself, and be a good co-parent. I am already a great father and have a fantastic relationship with my boy. He doesn't ever want to talk about the new man so we don't. The new man has offered to meet me to 'discuss our son's welfare'. He thinks our boy is protecting my feelings and that our son's relationship with him is just lovely. He also said, rather pompously, that he doesn't undermine me! As if he could. I declined the offer though said I was glad he and my son got on together (though there is great disparity between what he says and what my son says). My son doesn't want me to meet the man, so I won't. I see no role for me in supporting their relationship with our son. Needless to say, I do not do anything to undermine it. I have tried to reassure my son that all is just fine yet he reacts angrily if I even hint at mentioning this man's name.
Today my ex was very chatty with me at a school assembly, (said she 'really enjoys' my company), but next week she could be angry again. I don't trust her so I don't want to/can't be her friend (though it has been very painful coming to terms with our family demise). I guess I feel that though I would have worked on our problems (to do with communication, essentially)that she made a decision to pursue another relationship and I don't want to be used. If I'm such good company and could be 'great friends' what is all this about? A case of having her cake and eating it, I think. She even suggests we could socialise (me, her, her man, our boy). So, Kay, is my stance good? That is, keep it to a business-like arrangement? Many thanks for any insight you can offer. I'm always ready to examine my behaviour.
ANSWER: Your son is trying to resist changes and deny reality. This is not healthy. You must set a good example for him and assist him with accepting the facts. The fact may be that he has a decent relationship with this new guy and they may be together as a family for years to come. Be an example in accepting change and moving into the future with a positive attitude by developing a co-parenting relationship with your ex and her boyfriend. Knowing the boyfriend's personality and his ideas about child rearing will help you figure out the true good and bad of his relationship with your son. Thus you will be able to help your son with anything he dislikes about the boyfriend. Having a working co-parenting relationship with your ex and her boyfriend will ensure your son grows up to be a well adjusted adult because there will be consistency in rules and expectations between the two households. You may find your son is greatly relieved by discussing what's going on in greater detail. Get him to talk because he needs your wisdom despite his saying he does not want to discuss things. Spending time socializing together would be a good idea as it will show your son that all of you plan to be on one accord with discipline and rewards. Also, it will create a harmonious co-parenting relationship which is good for your son.
You need to let the romantic relationship with your ex go. Anyone who comes and goes from your life is not worth keeping around. She can't be considerate of your feelings when she is unsure of her own feelings. And stop shacking up with people for no good reason. It leads to emotional damage, AS YOU CAN SEE.
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QUESTION: Thank you Kay. Your advice is sound. However, it's a delicate thing to work with my ex and her bf. I would do my son no favours pretending to like this man. I can be polite but socialising is not possible. What do you mean by 'stop shacking up with people'? In my country this means living with someone in a sexual relationship, which I'm not.
Answer When your ex asked you back and you two were planning to get a home together, there was no basis for a relationship. Therefore, there should have been no attempt to live together. If she's not emotionally stable, I can understand you hesitation to socialize with her. But don't dislike the boyfriend just because he is her boyfriend. Dislike him for bad parts of his personality. You don't have to like the boyfriend. You just need to know him well enough to know who is having an impact on your son and to develop a harmonious co-parenting relationship.
