AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question When i first met my now husband, I fooled around with his so called best friend. Bluntly, it was oral sex. I only knew my husdand and his friend for 2 weeks. Not thinking anything about a relationship, or even a 'boyfriend' we spent the first couple weeks getting to know each other by heavy drinking. about 3 months into it, I realized I really liked this guy and we both decided to get serious. all the while not saying a word about what I did with his friend. Me and his friend both agreed what we did was alcohol influenced and would never be brought up ever. So.. to make a long story REALLY short, 6 months later I get pregnant. By my husband of course. Since we had started to get serious, I was completely into him and never looked back. We got married 1 month before our child was born. Everything was wonderful.. we started arduing about his video game usage and lack of time with baby, etc.. you know, you've heard it all before. My husband gotlaid off as a steel worker and his drinking and video games only got worse. I let it go.. until frequently I would come home from work after getting baby from day care and he was drunk wasted. Finding out he was spending his afternoons at local bars maiking friends with the female bartenders, texting, calling, and going to lunch w them. I find out by looking at the cell phone bill and not recognizing the numbers, calling them and hearing these girls' voice. I question and he tells me I am crazy, so i check his phone and find the text messages about the lunches and hanging out, etc. I freak and start a fight. He decides to leave for the night to his friends house, who convienantly tells him about me and him being together in the beginning. Now my husband of 10 months wants a divorce. I want to try to work it out, try therapy... he says no he cant forgive me. But he has already forgiven his friend and is now living with him. my argument is that we werent even in a boyfriend/girlfirend status at that time. He was still seeing some other girl! I want my marriage to work. he doesnt. is there hope? Do I give him time? And why does he run to the other that also betrayed him? I dont get it. I shouldnt have done what I did, but at the same time, i was not thinking anything was going to come of it.. espesially a marraige and a child. most imprtantly, did I cheat on him if I had only known him 2 weeks. we only spoke at the time on the weekends when he wanted me to come out and party and have sex. it was not a exclusive thing. Neither one of us were thinking long term at the time. He says because he told me he was sleeping w another that I cant use that because he was truthful. I dont know what to do. I do not want to give up on my marraige this soon. he did love me at one point. I know he did. How do i get him back, or do I let him go? We have a 9 month old son that is involved.
Answer Hi Heather,
What a story you have. And how difficult it must be to live and try to make a life with a man who has an addictive personality -- and he is an alcoholic, you know that, right? Being married to an addict feels like chasing a butterfly -- they are there, but always out of reach. If I were you, I might just cut my losses and try to find someone who is healthy. Your husband has a lot of work to do on himself, and I don't see that he is making any movement in that direction. As he is now, you will never be happy and there will be much turmoil to come.
I don't think this uproar is really about what you did with his friend, by the way. Yes, it was during a period of time when you were not committed to your husband, so he really must eventually let this go. I think he is using this as an excuse to focus attention on you rather than accept responsibility for himself and his actions. He knows that he is far too addicted, immature, emotionally unavailable to be a husband and a father. He needs an out, and making a big deal over something that's really not a big deal gives him that.
If I were you I would release him, focus on you and your child's health and well-being. If your husband decides to come back, make it conditional on his going to AA and getting his life straightened out -- he's going to need a strong motivator like that if he is ever to get help. If he decides to stay away, you can consider it a blessing in the long run.
