AboutPhilip Belove, Ed.D. Expertise Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?
Experience I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.
Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.
The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:
?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?
A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)
Question I desperately need some advice on how I can win back my husband's love. I have been married for 23 years to a lovely, creative, kind man and we have two fantastic kids. But earlier this year he told me he was seeing this other woman, was in love with her and our marriage was over. I was heartbroken and begged him to stay until after my daughter had finished her exams. He did - and a month ago admitted that the affair was over, and agree to come on holiday with us later this summer. But last weekend the woman turned up outside our house at 2.30 in the morning and I came downstairs to find him at the gate holding her in his arms. He then tells me that the affair ended 'briefly'. I feel so physically and mentally broken, I love him desperately and want him back. How can I win back his love?
Answer Timely questions.
I read it today just after reading about the lastest U.S. senator to have an affair and destroy his career. I was also interested in Elizabeth Edwards' story told in her recent book. She was battling cancer and her husband running for president and he had a secret affair. She said that she stayed in the marriage because it was best for herself, the marriage and John. She took a very strong stand when she'd learned the news.
In your description of the man the word that leapt out at me was "kind."
I suspect you are both kind people.
I suspect also that the woman who showed, all so pitiful at 2 in the morning was playing on that kindness.
I'm guessing that this is a man who doesn't want to hurt or disappoint anyone.
Having said all that, I think that you are now discussing tactics. What works for one person will not work for another.
It's so important to try any approach and then study how it works and then modify your approach according to feedback. Right now I really have very little to go on. No doubt there is a great deal of other relevant information.
Based on what you've told me, I think your tactic should be to be very decisive with him. You should deny him permission to leave with a speech more or less like this: "You can't do this. You are making a mistake and if you can't see it, I certainly can. I know you and have loved you for 23 years and our relationship is better and stronger than the relationship you have, can have and will have with this woman who is trying to steal you away. You can tell her she is very sweet and that you wish her the best but that you are married and not going to give that up. It was an affair, that's all it was and that's all it's going to be. "
In other words, be loving and also strong, decisive and determined. Be willing to work with him to improve things but do not concede anything.
I am thinking that perhaps, in your kindness you are being "too understanding" and what he needs instead is backbone and this is what you should provide. You might add to it by threatening to involve the kids to put additional pressure on him.
If you wish to confer with me about this via skype or telephone, please let me know. There will be a fee. I am U.S.and currently in Montreal. Do let me know what you think of this and you may contact me directly at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
drbelove@datingatmidlife.com
p.s.
Hi. I added the "involve the children" hesitantly but I did think you and he would have to think about them.
I really don't know how old they are and that's a huge factor. If they are under 16 or something, I'd so slow on the option of having them speak, although you can be sure they do have thoughts.
Remember, eventually, they will speak to him about all of this, if he's lucky.
At the same time, please remember, if he does leave then all that information will be out there and the children will indeed be involved. They are now. They know. They may not know details but they have a good idea of what's up. They talk to each other, usually, and watch parents carefully during family crises.
So let's be clear. There are levels to what "involving the children might mean." At the very least, I would have you remind him, among other things, that what he does effects them.
I really can't go beyond that without knowing more.
