AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question How do I rationalize withmy ex that my out of control daughter needed to be punished for stealing my car, (shes 13) picking up a friend, going 12 miles into the worst part of town @ 3am and then wrecking my car. He is in another state and degrades me terribly to the children. I picked my kid up from the police whom said I should give her a whooping!! When we got home she got sassy and i slapped her face to which she pushed me into the wall and began punching my arm. I called the police and had her arrested for battery since they didnt do anything for auto theft. She was then sent to a shelter for 3 days to cool off. Today she called her dad and said i hit her. He than called me the meanest,nastiest words (not unusual for him). Now my daughter says Im not allowing her contact with him and am punishing her for me being upset with her dad. Should i let her call him back?
Answer Dear Lisa,
Wow -- it sounds like mayhem at your house. I've raised teens as a single mom, and know how hard it is, and having an uncooperative ex makes what is difficult seem like a living hell. I am sorry for that.
Of course, all of his ugliness harms the one he probably doesn't want to harm -- your daughter. I'm not surprised that she is acting out as she is under the circumstances you describe.
Here is what I know -- the only thing you can control is you, so keep that in mind. Even though your daughter is acting horribly, I can think of no excuse for slapping her in the face. This just takes you down to her level of behavior, when what she needs is a role model who exhibits a more positive and loving energy. She is out of control, so don't try to control it. Keep your keys hidden away and take proper precautions. If she breaks the law, call the police. Have firm boundaries -- but don't take the low road.
Should you let her call her father? Of course! Let her do what she needs to do so long as it doesn't physically harm you or anyone else. Your life will be much easier when you stop being policewoman and let her ruin (or make) her own life if she so chooses. Let her ruination be her decision and not something she can blame on you -- I wish I could tell you how many teens have told me that they have to keep being bad so that their mom or dad's control doesn't pay -- they can't let mom or dad win the battle. So release! Of course, human nature is such that once adolescents realize that that their parents have released control and are now allowing them to make it or break it, they most often choose to make it.
Hang in there -- you can do this!! Whatever your ex says about you to your daughter, by the way, will come back to haunt him. Don't allow it to get to you. Good luck!!
