AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question My husband of 8yrs marriage,15yrs together walked out 5mths ago on myself and our 2 children.
Saying that he didnt love me. That marraige shouldnt be this hard.He said he wanted the fairytale and the passion.
After almost 4mths of little communication about our suituation but still in contact because of the children, he has told me that he wants to work things out.
However the cacth is he has been in a relationship with someone else.
He explains to me that he is confused that he has feelings for her and is scared about coming back to our marriage "what if it dosent change" he says.
We went to counselling and he expressed these thoughts. The counsellor said that there are 3 of you her you , your wife and your mistress... This cant be the case if you want to work on your marriage.
After the session he explained that he didnt know if what he was feeling for his mistress was real and he felt that he needed to explore this.
I explained to him that I felt he needed to get individual counselling and stay away from her to sort out what he really wanted.
He has gone back into his shell, he is not letting me know where he is at.
I dont know what to do, or how to deal with this.
Should I give him the space to sort out what he wants.
Am I being unfair to ask him to stop seeing her whilst he sorts out weather he wants to be with me.
Please help Im lost confused, and hurting so much I just cant keep this up any more. Im empty.
Answer Hi Leigh,
Greetings down there in Australia! I am so sorry for the distress you are feeling.
It DOES sound as if your husband is confused as well as misguided. He says he wants the fairytale, but that's just what a fairytale is -- something that's a fantasy and not real. It's amazing how many people just do not know how to keep a relationship going after the initial excitement goes away. A lot of folks like your husband will have an affair, throw their families away, only later to ask themselves, "What the hell did I do, and why did I do it?" Right now he wants a sure bet, and the thing is, there are no sure bets.
So you ask what should you do do? What I know is that when a person has his back turned away from the marriage, his spouse has only one choice if she wants any chance of repairing the marriage: give him his space. While giving him his space, you need to work on you, your self esteem, and finding out who you are in individual therapy. The risk your husband takes is that by the time he gets clear on what he wants, YOU may not want him. But that's the way it is in this sort of situation.
I know how difficult it is for you to give him his space AND let him have his girlfriend, too. This may seem like too much, and maybe it is. BUT, if you want him back, it really is the quickest way to get him back ... part of the appeal of these affairs is often that they aren't supposed to be having them. If you give him the go-ahead, it won't be nearly as fun and exciting for him. I know it's hard, but if you can possibly stand it, this is what I'd do. If you can't stand it, then it's time for your relationship to end. If you can put up with it and he doesn't come back, you can rest assured that he doesn't deserve you anyway.
Again, work on yourself -- get in therapy and find out who you are and what you're about. Be good to yourself during these dark days.
