About Rebecca Expertise Life happens, If your mind is in a mix up I can help you sort your worries and organize your life priorities systematically. Giving you Non-judgemental answers providing you with a honest answer,I also assist in locating information that may guide you in the right direction. Helping you obtain your goals before, during and after divorce. Physical and mental abuse is an area I am also familiar with, helping you with details and steps to get you the support you need.
Experience 25 yrs of experience with physical and mental abusers and their cycles.
Assist with the preparations of divorce documents and procedures.
Child development; non-healthy relationships and the affects they have on children.
Education/Credentials Advisor and mentor for at risk families
Accreditation/Certification,Child developement
Personal Experience
For the record, I'm usually a level headed, 'know what to do', kind of person. However, with the situation I'm in, I'm at a total loss.
Long and short of my story, my live-in boyfriend was seprated (as was I when we met). Shortly after (6 months) moved in with me. We have been together 4 years.
My divorce was finalized within months of us being together. HIS IS NOT. I'm not around his children, (according to him, he made the grave mistate of promising his ex/wife/wife.. that he wouldn't have anyone around his children (me) until they were grown).... and she told him she wouldn't be dateing, that she felt it wasn't 'fair' to the kids.
His children see him, when he picks them up to go to dinner, or something else... then he drops them back off to the house. Him and the ex do not have contact, (other than the kids).
He keeps telling me 'he's not stupid', that 'he knows this divorce not being filed bothers me', and that 'he WILL get it handled'.
Yet nothing.
I've heard, (what I consider to be every excuse in the book). Money, insurance issues, (she carries the insurance), he's afraid of 'looseing the kids', (meaning they wont want to see him at all)... etc.
I don't understand, (when everyone we know, knows us as a couple, people don't even know he's not leagally divorced). Some of my friends tell me "who cares, he's with you." Problem is, it's a problem to ME.
I feel strongly, that if he 'truly' wants to live his life with ME, then he'd get his divorce, otherwise, this is like living two separated lives.
When I put a time frame on him--- I'm told that I'm giving him an ultimatum, and he resents that-- that he TOLD me he'll handle it.
Am I wrong? Why would someone do this? His friends all tell me he has 'nothing' with her and loves me,but that he's just afraid of his kids reaction. I don't understand the difference, besides what is he teaching his children being 'seperated' for this long, with another woman?
Finally, his children are older, (18 and 15)... I think his kids need to face reality, (after all, are they going to be 'protected from things they might not like) for their whole lives?
I don't know, I'm so lost right now--- I vacillate between what I 'think is right', and others telling me 'who cares, he's with you.'
Thank you for any objective insight you can offer.
Regards,
Jenny
Answer Hi Jenny,
It sounds like you usually choose to do what is right for you and or are open to opinions other that your own. Obviously, you knew of his marriage when you began this relationship, yet, 4 years later, he is still married. This probably stirs up many emotions for you, mostly confusion, because as your friends say, He is with you! So if he is with you, why does he choose to stay married to someone else? It must be difficult to deal with but the reality of this situation is clear; Why he decides to stay married is something you are having a problem with, he is perfectly fine with being married and having a girlfriend. He will probably stay married to her as long as you permit it! He will never take you seriously if you do not put your foot down and give him an ultimatum and MEAN it.
*If he divorces his wife, you stay! If he does not, you leave!*
Before you give him his ultimatum, be sure YOU understand all scenarios before you present them, Plan, Prepare and Act,
*If you stand your ground and have to leave, Make sure you have a PLAN and PREPARE yourself to act on it, do not just shout out, Im leaving you! For the sake of saying it, say it because you mean it, Say it because you know, what you're going to do, when you are going to do it, and where you are going, when you leave.
*If you decide to stay with him even though he is still married, then you have to learn to except that he is married and become accustomed to the lifestyle they have chosen and not the lifestyle you wish to live with him.
The choice is yours Jenny, Take care and the best of luck to you,
Rebecca
There is a quote I would like to share with you, We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein.
