Expert: Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger - 9/24/2009

Question
My husband's ex hasn't worked for years and has been living off of other's kindness and finances for quite a long time.  We have been sharing custody with her over the last few years and it was going well until she left the kids with the family member she was living with and didn't come home that evening. Another family member called to inform us and we got the kids immediately.  It was a week before his ex contacted her eldest child and during that call my husband spoke w/her.  She stated that the family member was making moves are her and she had to leave (but left the children?).  She has since moved in with a single man and wants to resume our visitation agreement (done through a mediator, but not filed in the courts).  He stated that she could have them M-W-F afterschool until early evening, at which time he would pick them up and on Sundays until 5 - but there would be no nights out as she has no real means of financial support or her own place.  She does love the kids, in her own way and we really aren't trying to cut her out of the children's lives.  We have told her that if she were to get some long term stability we would reconsider an agreement.  So far she is not willing to agree.  We have allowed her to come and visit and we have a public meeting at a park so she can see the kids on the weekend.  Any suggestions as we don't have a lot of finances available.

Answer
Dear Nancy,
What a wonderful wife and step-mother you are.  My suggestion is this.  Considering all you have to contend with as a family and the fact that your husband's ex does not really have finances of her own, let the situation stand as it is.  If she wants to fight for more, let her start the legal ball rolling.  That would be the time when you should consider spending money on legal assistance.  Until then, just go right on taking good care of the children and allowing her to be as involved as she chooses or as the two of you are willing to allow.  The fact that she is choosing to not provide long term stability is her choice.  You are not cutting her out of her children's life, at all.  I truly do admire your stand with your husband and your concern with the well-being of the children, yet your compassion for the mother.  I hope your husband knows you are 1 in a million.  
I wish you well and hope you continue caring for the children as you are doing.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz
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