AboutBecky Whetstone, Ph.D. aka Doctor Becky Expertise I can answer questions regarding marriage and family concerning marital crisis, separating, Managed Separations, deciding to divorce, the divorce process and divorce therapy, and post divorce issues. I am a psychological and mental health specialist, and not an attorney, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to answer your legal questions -- but I look forward to any questions regarding relationship health or deciding to separate of divorce – including those about children.
Experience I am a Marriage and family Therapist and work with couples and families in marital crisis and/or considering divorce every day. I help them make the wisest possible decision for them, and help them put their marriage on track or help ease them through divorce.
Organizations American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
San Antonio Association of Marriage & Family Therapists
Publications San Antonio Express-News
North San Antonio Times
Education/Credentials M.A. and Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy
BA in Journalism
Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Question QUESTION: My wife has a friend that she says she could possibly date if we get divorced. He works with her and sees him every day. They go out in groups and they hold hands and I think they even kiss good bye, this is dating to me. She says she is confused and is not sure what she wants long term but wants to be with him now but not sexual. He is also married and has given her the line that he stays with his wife so she wont lose the house. I want to confront this guy but afraid it would only make things worse. I would also like to tell his wife this is going on and again I'm not sure what to do. Believe it or not I don't want my marriage to end but I can't live like this either. I'm confused and we have three children that this will hurt they are teenagers and one thats only ten. Any ideas on what to do and not do?
ANSWER: Dear Rick,
I really feel for you. At the very least your wife is having an emotional affair. If she was my client I would force her to tell you the truth, and then you could do whatever you want to ensure or increase the odds that the cheating stops, including calling the husband, telling the wife, and maybe even their boss. I had a client recently I'll call "Ron," whose wife was having an affair with "Dave." Ron called Dave and told him he had 30 minutes to call his wife and tell her that he was having an affair with his (Ron's) wife, or he would do it himself. Thirty minutes later Dave called the wife, and sure enough, Dave had called her and admitted to the whole thing. Dave and Ron's wife worked together, too, and this whole incident stopped the cheating and saved both marriages.
What would not be good right now is for you to be submissive or a doormat to your wife's actions. I'd tell her to stop the affair, get counseling, or get out. Don't allow her confusion to continue so long as it includes the affair.
I hope this helps -- good luck!!
Doctor Becky
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QUESTION: we have had discussions but she says she is no longer attracted to me. She likes to say hurtful things. I guess I have been a doormat and it's time to stop we have no chance with this guy in the picture so I'm going to speak to him and my wife its time. I thank you for finding my courage.
ANSWER: You're welcome. Take care!
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QUESTION: I told her she needed to stop seeing this guy get help or leave she told me she wasn't leaving and I couldn't make her. She also lied to her mother who was concerned about her running around. She told her the guy was just a friend that she talks to and texts. She told her mom this is a guy she could like and I guess her family supports her. This is crazy I am at my wits end I would leave but I don't want the kids to stay with someone that unstable. Any ideas or clues?
Answer I think you need to worry about yourself and your own health. You can't control what your wife does, but you can be in your power and make healthy decisions for yourself. I would not stay and try to keep y grasp on her in such a dysfunctional situation just for the sake of the kids. Trust me, damage is already being done to the kids with the dysfunctional situation they are already in. If I were you I'd get away and create a healthy place for them to be -- they need at least one healthy haven, and you can provide that.
