Divorce Issues/Drugs and Lies
Hello there, I have been married for a very short six months here. Everything was amazing before the wedding. Me and my husband were absolutely inseparable, best friends forever, lovers, and just in general two of the happiest people. We had a little 50 people ceremony. Shortly after he lost his job. He lied about it. Hell he started lying A LOT. I mean, about stupid shit. Lying about losing his job was the first big thing he lied to me a lot.
I started seeing strange symptoms. He lost 40 ish lbs in the last 6 months. He has pasty white/grey skin. He has big red bags under his eyes always. He is lathagric and unmotivated. He has crazy ass mood swings. Hes detached, unsocial, and disengaged. He is extremely secretive. He gets this strange odour that comes off his hands. It is horrible - it smells like rotting. And he was getting strange sores on his neck
Anyways, so before I put all the puzzle pieces together me and him got in a screaming match about these symptoms. He looses it and throws these little black bookshelves we had in our living room. Now I grew up around domestic violence so I left about 20 minutes after dipshit did that.
I have been staying with my mom for about a week here. I discovered what these symptoms add up too....they add up to being a fucking meth addict. Can you believe that?
So of course I confront him. He lied and lied and lied some more. Eventually he told me it was painkiller and that he takes 28 a day. That makes no fucking sense!!! Obviously if he took that many a day he would be bed ridden.
Anyways, what is your advice? What would you do in my position?
My plan is to get my name off our lease and start over. Screw that! I get it is salvageable if I tolerate some abuse and lots of counseling. Why would I put my life on hold for someone who chose drugs over me and the family we planned on starting? I can't have children with a man who cant even resist using drugs.
I really get the pain and frustration you are feeling - it's all gone horribly wrong for you, when it all looked so perfect. This kind of things happens to loads of people the world over, so you are not alone. Your details might be different, but the fundamental behaviours are the same - and here's the key bit - the reason for all of this behaviour is exactly the same in everybody and it can be resolved.
In any situation you have always got choices - there are actually four different choices, but two of them are so nonsensical, they are actually non choices. And they are
1) Live with it and like it. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world. You could choose to accept your husband for completely who he is and Learn to accept his behaviours. It is a choice.
2) Live with it and hate it. Considering we all want to feel happy, living with something and hating it at the same time is kind of crazy huh? So, this is one of the non choices.
3) Change him. This is a choice that a lot of people take and they spend years and years trying to change someone else before they give up in despair or realise it is impossible. You cannot change someone else - they have to want to change and do it themselves. So this is a non-choice too.
4) The last choice is to Leave it. This seems to be the one you are favouring right now and is a perfectly good choice.
However, Jessica, every single thing that your husband is doing, he is doing for a reason. He has no idea what that reason is, and at the moment Sweetie - neither have you. When you get to see the reason, it will empower you to make a decision because you know it is the right decision and not because you are running away. When we run away from things in life, we never learn what caused them in the first place.
Why did you choose your husband? Why has it gone so wrong, so quickly? If you do leave him, how can you stop yourself from choosing another guy just like him? How can you prevent the same pattern occurring over and over again throughout your life? Sweetie, we counsel women in their later life who are on their fourth, fifth and sixth husbands and still can't work out a pattern. Would you really like to learn how to choose the right long-lasting partner? Would you like to know how relationships really work? Would you like to learn how to make 100% certain that no partner/husband of yours is going to turn into a Meth-Addict or go off cheating on you?
Let me try and make sense of it for you.
There is one ingredient that every human being needs as much as they need oxygen, water and food. Every human being needs to feel that someone cares for them unconditionally. That's it - it's that simple, but the problem is that nobody knows this and worse still nobody teaches how to care for some one unconditionally.
You certainly know that your husband isn't caring for you right now. It seems obvious but if he was, you would feel so much better. Well, thing is, he doesn't feel cared for either, but the big thing is that this is neither of your fault.
When we were born, we needed our parents to care for us unconditionally. What that means is that we need our parents not to want anything from us in return for their care. Unfortunately, virtually every parent on the planet screws this up. Kids need to know that no matter what, our parents care for us, but so often, parents demonstrate that they don't actually care without wanting something back.
This is what I mean. Were you ever told off for being naughty. Did your parents ever expect you to behave properly when you went out and got cross if you didn't. Did they have expectations that you would perform well at school. You see the really sad message we got when we were kids is this - when you are good, we love you. When you are not we don't.
No parent wakes up in the morning and intends to give this message, but whenever they had expectations of you or got annoyed and irritated, this is the message that you heard. And what you learnt was that "if I am good, I am loveable, if I am not, then I am not loveable"
This one simple thing screws people up for the whole of their lives - believing that they have to "be" a certain way for people to like or love them. We spend our whole lives worried about what other people think of us.
Another big problem that comes with this is that we are taught at a very young age to lie. If we know that our parents are going to be displeased with us, we will lie in order to not get told off. All kids do it and the reason they do it because they are petrified their parents are going to withdraw their love. This is like our parents saying, because you haven't eaten your greens, I am going to hold your head inside a plastic bag until you do. So, we learn to lie, just to avoid our parents disapproval.
The problem with this is that we then grow up as complete liars. The whole of the human race lies, Sweetie - and all for the same reason - because we are afraid that someone is going to withdraw their love from us.
This is why your husband is lying to you now. He learnt to lie as a kid in order not to gain disapproval from his parents or guardians, and now he is simply repeating that pattern because he is afraid you are going to withdraw your approval - and you have - so he is going to keep on lying.
Sweetheart - all he needs to feel is that someone cares for him and probably the one person in the world right now who could do that for him is you.
I get also that you need to feel cared for too - well this is what I am doing for you. I am taking my time to write to you. I don't want anything from you - I am genuinely caring that from this situation you can learn to find happiness - I care that you find it - for you - do you get that?
So, you feel cared for - could you see him as a little boy who is absolutely petrified - really, petrified. Whatever he has done doesn't really matter because you can't change the past - but you can change the future right now.
You guys do need outside help if you are to continue together - I can make some suggestions if you chose you wanted that.
It all starts with knowing that any bad behaviour any of us exhibit all boils down to the fact that we are afraid that people won't really care for us. Once you see this, it can actually change your whole view of the way the world works.
Now, I'm not suggesting that you then have to sit there like a doormat and have to say to your husband, I care for you and so therefore I have to let you do whatever the hell you like. No, he has to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices, but f he can be helped to see the consequences of his choices without being afraid that your love is going to be withdrawn, he is then much more likely be willing to stop whatever he is doing that is clearly killing him and killing your relationship too.
You don't have to tolerate any abuse, but he will continue being abusive until he feels cared for - then it will stop.
Jessica, my advice is this. I have explained here that there is one ingredient that every human being needs - it's the knowledge and feeling that someone else unconditionally cares for/loves them. Decide to learn more about this before making any big decision. I'm not saying you won't decide to leave, but at least learn whether your marriage is totally irretrievable before you do. If you learn about this in the situation you are in right now, then you will be able to find happiness even if your husband chooses not to. And you can still choose to leave any time you like.
There is a fabulous book that explains a whole load of stuff about this. Let me know if any of this has struck a chord in you and I'll gladly tell you where to get the book from - it really could save your life and who knows, even turn this marriage around.