Divorce Issues/Divorce.


I been married 25 years but been separated  a year.   My husband has moved on with his life  and that includes another woman in his life. I am devastated that my husband wanted to give up 25 years of marriage with no remorse when we do talk text he always brings up the past. What I did and what I didn't do I should've done.  I cry to him and I beg him I was trying to say by 25 you're marriage. All he does is tell me to MoveOn move forward he has. He knew got wants for six months get I let our son move back in so to him that was choosing our son over my husbands. Six months later my husband in the back but decided to go out-of-state. I love and I miss my husband so terribly much that I'm having a hard time every day functioning. I can't move forward. He doesn't call his 22-year-old son it's like his whole family never existed. He certainly wasn't the perfect husband father until he and verbally abusive to me and our kids. I don't know how to move on and heal this pain  that I have every day. I'm now having nightmares of me being lost my dreams.  I don't know what to do. I'm making myself sick over this. He will not help me out financially. I've asked to help me with the dogs He left me with. That's all I ask for and I can't even get that. No papers have been filed yet. I'm sure they will be soon. I feel very lost right now I don't like the path i'm taking. I'm depressed. How can anyone give up on a 25 year marriage to be over it within 10 months. How do I move on? I think a lot of it may be fear. I don't have a job and I could use his help. But that's unheard of. All I want to know is how do I get pass the pain and the hurt and resentment that I'm feeling everyday. I would do anything to work on this marriage that he says no way get over it.

Cheryl you do have my sympathies and if you want, I will be happy to give you an hour's conversation, no charge.
You'll have to wait until after the 15th of Dec. I'm traveling.

Meanwhile, and whether or not you take my offer, let me share some thoughts with you.

First, my guess, based on years of doing this is that he was dying to leave for a long time. He was miserably unhappy in the marriage and stayed in anyway and he was too discouraged and felt too incompetent to do anything positive .  Also, he was more interested in himself than in you and certain willing to make you suffer for his inadequacies.  It's sad.

Often people hang in and are miserable until 1) the child is old enough or 2) some hot young thing shows up or 3) something else.

Such marriages are often miserable on both sides.  It's very rare that there is a marriage when one person is as miserably unhappy as you were and yet their partner was content. It just doesn't happen.  People sense each other's emotions.

Often people in your situation hang in and tell themselves, "Well this marriage may be hell, but at least I'm not single."  
I will say that being alone in the world is a terrible feeling.  But you will discover that, without him around, you will be free to have actual friends and to spend time with people who like you. Most people in your situation are surprised to discover that they are really very interesting and lovable people and that others really do like them.  On the other hand, spouses who are jerks and who leave often discover that others also think they are jerks.  So there is some justice out there.

Your job will be to create a network of friends and to not allow yourself to isolate yourself. It will make a world of difference.  Also, we will have to spend some nights, many nights, alone in contemplation of your life.  With some coaching that time can be very productive.

Second, he's really very much gone and he holds a very low opinion of you and as long as you basically believe that you are this man's partner
you will continue to see yourself in the unflattering light he shines on you.  That being said  , it will still be difficult to leave.

The habits of the heart change slowly.  It takes a normal person two years to recover from the death of a loved one. It will take time for you as well.

Okay. I hope this helps.  My website is drbelove.com and it has more advice for you. Feel free to write me at drbelove@drbelove.com or through this web page.

Philip Belove, Ed.D.  

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.


Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?


I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.

M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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