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Divorce Issues/Can't get over my ex husband

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Question
My husband of 24 yrs left and rented a big house to be single again. I'm trying to move on but we own a business together. He and one of the employees - his new girlfriend are fighting to get the business in our divorse and I have a minor son thAt he is supposed to see but ignores because he's too busy in bars. How exactly do I get over him when all I want is for him to come back to us and grow up

Answer
I think it's a matter of priorities here.

Based on my experience with these situations, and the little you've told me, I would guess that your husband and
his girl friend talk a lot about how terrible you've been and why it's therefore okay to steal your half of this business.

I think your first priority is to protect your future and your practical needs and that means your interest in the business.

If he is being childish, (and that would not be unusual here) then you have to be careful not to get either childish in response, or
also not to get (and this will be difficult)  terribly parental.  This middle way, as an adult who cares but who is also practical, is the way to walk this path.  

I would also bet that whatever you do will be filtered through the conversation that exists right now between your husband and his chum. They will gossip about you. So you have to keep this in mind as you negotiate and set limits.  There are ways to do this that enfeeble that alliance, but you have to be strategic.

So I would say that you have to stop him from being destructive to you and to your son's legacy. The first priority is financial stability.

Then you can look at that relationship and see if there is a way to save it or if you have to move on.

In my experience, men (and also women) in this situation are often in a period of intoxication (and trying to steal your share of the business, plus the partying, plus the likelihood of lots of sex are all indications of that intoxication) and there is no talking to them.

So will need to bear this pain and be practical for the time.

There is a lot here for you to look at and learn from. There is the history of your marriage and how it got here and why you ignored so many signs. There is where you want to go from here. There is what you can and need to learn at this point in your life.  There is how to handle your son and his relationship to his father (and maybe also this new woman, or the next one...)  So there's plenty to do. And mainly there is the question of how you speak to him during this phase of your relationship.

So having said all that, I hope you find this a bit helpful. You are in for a rough ride, I'm afraid.

If you'd like a stabilizing presence through all this, I suggest you look for a coach or a therapist. I'd be happy to be interviewed by
you for this if you like.  Reach me at drbelove@drbelove.com

Also check out my website, drbelove.com


Thanks.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.  

Divorce Issues

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience

I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.


Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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