Divorce Issues/step families

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Question
Me and my partner have been living together for 4 yrs, i have 3 kids from a previous marriage.We are still struggling to get the best out of our relationship and my partners relationship with the kids,she also has a big problem with the ex.every seems to be against us!just after some honest advice on dealing with these situations.As we want to stay together but are finding it difficult.
many thanks Jamie

Answer
Hi Jamie,
thanks for the question.

I'd really need to know some specifics.

I can tell you a few things in general.

First, ex's can be this way. It's a very common problem.  If that's any comfort.

A lot depends on how that earlier relationship ended and how soon our new partner appeared. If she appeared too soon
then your ex will read the new one as the cause of the break up or something in that general area...even if it's a distortion,
and she'll direct her anger at you onto the new partner.
There are ways to handle it, but I'd need to know more specifics.

Second, if the mother of the kids hates the new partner, then it's hard for the kids to
feel comfortable with the new partner. They'll feel like they are taking sides.
All this happens at a subtle, implicit level, often isn't named, is hard to think about, especially for the kids,
and dealing with it takes some subtlety and patience. Again, I'd need specifics.
The devil is in the details.

Feel free to follow up.

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.d.

Divorce Issues

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience

I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.


Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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