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Divorce Issues/divorce with unborn baby?


Dear Kindred

I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).

I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.

As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.

So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...


Dear Mehdi,
I am not sure of the family laws you are dealing with, but in my state, a divorce is simply prohibited, not even possible, when the woman is pregnant.  I don't think you should agree to anything at this point.  Your wife right now may be insisting upon being alone and you excluded, but that is subject to change at her whim.  She is obviously easily influenced and her decisions don't appear to be very lasting.  If you agree to her terms now, it is possible that you could end up owing her a great deal and the child would not have a respectful view of you at all.
Here is my advice.  Tell your wife you will not agree to a divorce until after the baby comes.  Once the baby arrives and everyone is healthy and recovered you will discuss her wishes, but until then, the marriage stands as it is.
I wish you well and I presume you are the father.  I'm not trying to sound judgmental, but if the two of you have had times of separation, make sure you aren't being taken advantage of.  Something just doesn't seem right for a separation at this time.  She won't be able to support herself as the pregnancy progresses.
Stand your ground for now and stay married if she insists upon having a baby.  Then, there will be plenty of time to discuss other arrangements.
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz

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Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger


I can answer general questions regarding separation, property, and some custody questions. I cannot answer legal questions or specific questions pertaining to individual states and counties. I can offer support through the pending time, as well as offering assistance and ideas as you move on as a single individual. I can tell you how to avoid repeat pitfalls and help you learn to leave old baggage out of new relationships. I can help you work through the contemplative time of "what if" and "if only." I am able to offer advice in dealing with unnecessary guilt, undeserved judgment, and share insight as to discerning between concerned friends, family and coworkers and nosey gossips.


I have been divorced more than once and am now married to my soulmate. We are living the exact life we both wanted to build 30 years ago, long before we ever met. Well actually it's better than I had dared hope.

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