Divorce Issues/divorce with unborn baby?
I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).
I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.
As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.
So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...
I really see how you are feeling right now. I can see your pain and confusion and it is entirely understandable.
Mehdi, what I am going to explain to you now is the root cause of your situation. The truth is it is actually the root cause of virtually every problem human beings encounter. You are unlikely to have heard about it - I say that only because of the questions that you ask, but the truth is, you are not alone in not knowing. In fact, pretty much most of the planet has no idea about what I am going to explain to you.
The root cause to virtually all human problems can be explained by unconditional love, or rather a lack of unconditional love. Unconditional love is something that human beings need as much as they need air to breathe and food and water to survive. We also need unconditional love.
A lack of unconditional love in us results in the most unbearable emotional pain. It is a pain that is ever present, but most of the time we simple don't recognise it. It is there, but we can't see it because we learn to do things that superficially and temporarily mask the pain. It is this pain that causes divorce, violence, wars, power struggles, depression, addictions and all manner of human misery.
Yet human beings have no idea. We only ever treat the symptoms. We must understand the root cause and deal with it. The lack of unconditional love results in a deep emotional wound that lives with us forever unless we deal with it. The way to deal with it is to learn all about it, and then learn where you can get it from, just like you need to learn how to get food to eat and water to drink.
So, why haven't we got any? We should have got unconditional love from our parents.- but pretty much most of the planet didn't. This is only because our parents didn't have it to give because their parents never gave it to them either. And so on and so on for generation after generation.
So what is unconditional love? Unconditional love is caring for the happiness of someone without wanting anything in return. This might seem quite simple and you might say but my parents did care for me. Yes they likely did, but the key bit that causes all the problems is the 'not wanting anything in return'. When you actually learn to see the truth, you will see that pretty much almost every human behaviour is inherently selfish. If there is any selfishness in what you do for someone else then it is NOT unconditional. And this is where we all fall down on what love really means.
There is selfishness right throughout your question. Your first wife manipulating you. Your family manipulating you to marry a woman of their choice. Your second wife's father being dominating and irresponsible. Your insistence your second wife marry you. You being reluctant to let her go. All selfish behaviours and all driven by the emotional pain by everyone involved because none of you know what it feels like for someone to care for you without wanting something in return for themselves. They've got to have things their way - which is not loving.
So, the only way you can find true happiness, and peace from worry and anxiety is to find and integrate unconditional love in your life. I am actually loving you now. You see, love is not about romance or marriage or falling in love, it is about genuinely caring for and being cared for, without wanting anything in return. So, I am freely giving of my time, caring that you find out how to completely change your life. I am caring about you. I don't want anything from you. I am loving you.
Mehdi, I am never going to tell you what to do because that wouldn't be loving. I will suggest things that will make you feel better if you do them, but it is entirely your choice whether you do or not. You get this?
My suggestion for YOUR happiness is that you let her choose to do whatever she wishes. If she is choosing to go and have the child that is her choice. You can't actually make her have an abortion anyway if she doesn't want one, so for your happiness, let her go.
Then I would suggest this. You need unconditional love in your life. Learn all about it. Make a commitment to never get in a situation like this again. Learn how to have real love and happiness in any future relationships you have. Start this learning by buying this book. "Real Love: the truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships." It's written by Dr Greg Baer and you can buy it from his website at www.reallove.com. It is the most fantastic book that could absolutely transform your life.
As you read it, come back here and ask me any question and as many questions as you like and I will help you to understand what you are learning.