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Divorce Issues/divorce with unborn baby?

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Dear Kathryn

I am a 34 y old male. 12 years ago I married for the first time, got divorced after 5 years with a little girl who is now 8. My first wife was and still is a manipulative person who used my daughter against me many times to get at me, even though it was she who wanted a divorce to be with her ex-boyfriend (which proved to be a false hope anyway).

I was single for 4 years, then I married again, this time to a girl suggested by my family (my first choice was against their wish). She is 31, engaged to be married once, and has a history of problems within her family which I did not know about at the time, namely her father who was a dominating and irresponsible person in her life. Her fiance turned out to be no better, leaving her stranded for four years before finally calling the marriage off.

As it has turned out, apparently she married me because her father and family kind of forced her to and she accepted also due to my insistence. I have to say I fell in love with her very soon and was very reluctant to let go of her, she seemed such a decent and kind soul. Anyway my ex-wife proved to be a problem in this marriage, taunting her and planning schemes through my daughter to irritate her at every turn. Unfortunately my family augmented this problem by stupidily trying to dominate her by saying my ex-wife was better than her and focusing a lot on my daughter.

So in spite of all the support I did offer her, she has been asking for a divorce for a long time. At first I resisted but when I saw her anxieties were slowly eating her from inside, I agreed. Problem was I could not afford to give her sufficient financial support after the divorce so it was delayed several times and every time I thought she had refrained and come to her senses but I was wrong. In the middle of all this crisis she got pregnant. Now she insists that I let her keep the child but let her go at the same time, so that she could give birth and raise the child alone without him/her ever knowing about the father. I am worried about this child's future in this way, I would prefer an abortion and divorce but I am afraid of the terrible emotional strain and scar this act would have on her, as she loves to have a child (even to the point of wanting to be a single parent in a strange city with no suitable means of income). I dont know what to do. Is an abortion is the way to go? Or should I let her go with the child as she wishes? Please help me as I am at my wits' end...

Yours
Mehdi

Answer
Hello Mehdi.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to provide what you need.  I am a Realtor working with divorcing couples regarding the disposition of their real estate.  However, on a very personal basis, may I suggest professional therapeutic counseling?  The multiple situations you have mentioned all carry long term, and not always positive, impact on all parties-- the traditionally overbearing parents and often helpless feeling females in your culture can raise even more uncertain feelings when new roles are being formed in a different societal setting.

I admire your willingness to speak frankly about your concerns and you obviously have deep feelings about commitment.  Again, unfortunately, you are in a true life or death situation that NO ONE can tell you what to do. Neither of you can support her and a child. Yet, she has the right to have the child if she chooses.  In my opinion it is unfair to suggest no support to her and no visitation rights to you.  It's definitely time for therapeutic, and eventually legal, intervention.  As you know, time is of the essence. Do not hesitate any longer...

Best wishes to you, Mehdi.
Kathryn

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Kathryn Hisert; Realtor

Expertise

As a Realtor specializing in assisting divorcing homeowners, I am able to provide "What to do about the house?" options. There are trade-offs to every transaction in life. How to equitably divide property at a time when emotions are running high can keep people from making the right long term decisions, and/or even considering how many there are. There are advantages and risks (emotional and financial) to each decision that needs to be uncovered. I can assist in this process. Please note: I am a Realtor and am only professionally qualified to answer questions directly related to the decision making process of what to do with your primary, investment and vacation property. My website provides details.

Experience

Certified Real Estate Divorce Specialist (1 of less than 10 in California) Certified Distress Property Expert

Organizations
N. San Diego County Association of Realtors California Association of Realtors National Association of Realtors

Publications
www.HouseInDivorce.com

Education/Credentials
CREDS (Certified Real Estate Divorce Specialist) CDPE (Certified Distress Property Expert)

Past/Present Clients
Confidential

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