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Divorce Issues/Found out boyfriend still married, supporting ex wife?


I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half. He is divorced, or so I thought. When we met he said he was divorced. His ex left him, said she was unhappy. They still talk time to time as he gave her custody of their animals. She also has very, very serious medical problems, it is a bad condition that she is always undergoing medical treatment for, on meds, has to have surgeries for every few years.

Recently he started joking / hinting about marriage with me ect. I told my parents who have met him and like him. My dad for whatever reason ran a background check on my boyfriend just to be sure about no bad history, it came up that he is not divorced, only separated.

I suspect that they have not divorced as she is still on his health insurance, he has a government job, therefore the best insurance. She is currently working two jobs so I don't think she has coverage.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel very betrayed that he lied about not being divorced. I checked his cell messages, it does not seem they talk often, he is usually polite but nothing romantic. But he has never been upfront with me about being in contact. Or that he is supporting her like this.

She has a twitter account and talks about her boyfriend and how much she loves him ect.

Should I sit down and ask him about this or assume the worst, he still loves her, hopes she returns and I'm just the rebound girlfriend and he is using me.

To be fair, when we started dating I told him that I had dumped my last boyfriend when I found out he was not divorced, how angry I was ect.

I do also feel upset that he is giving her health insurance worth thousands, while he knows I have none and have been paying crazy high bills out of pocket which he has never offered to help me with. So much for talking about marriage with me.

Dear Katie,
You know I can't make this decision for you, but . . . I can point out something that I think has been lost in the emotion of the matter.  
Your boyfriend discussed marriage, knowing he was still married.  Your boyfriend has said he is divorced.  Your boyfriend is well aware that you broke up with a man over dishonesty.  The bottom line is, your boyfriend has lied and continued to be dishonest about his circumstances.  

To be fair, when you started dating and told him why you had broken up with the other guy; was the perfect opportunity for him to explain his circumstances, not lie to you . . .
It doesn't matter how casual his relationship or unromantic it is with his wife, she is still his wife.  
Dishonesty is a horrible foundation.  As for your Dad running a background check, good for him!  He loves you and even though he had news that he knew you probably would not want to hear, he was honest with you.  Honesty and love do go hand in hand, whether we want to face that fact or not.  It's possible to love someone you don't trust, but it's really not probable that you will ever give yourself to build a life together with that person.

I recommend leveling with him and see what he does.  If he immediately tries to blame your father for "checking up on him," I'd kick him to the curb.  If he tells you he didn't know how to tell you, I'd let him know, that seems to be consistent with all of our government workers, but you shouldn't have had to take the initiative to address this issue.  Then I would simply ask him what he intends to do about his situation.  Put the ball in his court and see what he does.
I'm a lot older than you, so I'd just walk away, but I understand your time and feeling of commitment.  Just keep in mind, he's lied for a year and a half, and the subject of his lie has been "another woman."  If you stay in the relationship, don't be surprised if it crops up again.  Whatever you do, though, don't let this come between you and your Daddy.
I wish you well.
Kind Regards,
KD Liz

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Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger


I can answer general questions regarding separation, property, and some custody questions. I cannot answer legal questions or specific questions pertaining to individual states and counties. I can offer support through the pending time, as well as offering assistance and ideas as you move on as a single individual. I can tell you how to avoid repeat pitfalls and help you learn to leave old baggage out of new relationships. I can help you work through the contemplative time of "what if" and "if only." I am able to offer advice in dealing with unnecessary guilt, undeserved judgment, and share insight as to discerning between concerned friends, family and coworkers and nosey gossips.


I have been divorced more than once and am now married to my soulmate. We are living the exact life we both wanted to build 30 years ago, long before we ever met. Well actually it's better than I had dared hope.

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