Divorce Issues/Should I leave?
I have been married for approximately 8 years and sometimes I think I hate my spouse. We have a beautiful 3 yr old and he's a nice guy but he's dishonest, illiterate, unhygienic, and he's not willing to work a regular job. When we met, I had excellent credit and he had just filed bankruptcy ( that should've been clue 1). I have a PhD and he lied and said he graduated with a BA. After about five years of marriage and ongoing lies about why he never places his degree on his resume and what happened to his degree he finally admitted he did not graduate from college. I feel extremely betrayed and idiotic. He rarely cleans up after himself (this includes showering) and he has these dreams of opening up his own business which has ended in financial ruin for me (he did not want to listen to my very sound and sensible business advice). Now I have filed bankruptcy and I have a reposession on my credit for a vehicle that was reaffirmed because he stated he would pay the note. The vehicle was just repossessed and even though he has spent several years looking for a job he was able to call an old business acquiantance who gave him a job on the spot. He let it slip that he really didn't want a job because he wanted to continue to pursue his nonexistent business. I'm very tired of supporting him emotionally and financially. We have been to couples counseling on three different occasions during our marriage. I hope you can show me something I haven't seen because I really need a change. Thanks
I really hear the pain and frustration you are feeling around your relationship right now. There is a lot of stuff in here that is clearly making you feel very uncared for.
The first thing to know is that you are not trapped in your marriage - you still have choices. You can learn to live with your husband and get to like it, you could do pretty much what you are doing now which is living with him and hating it, or you could leave. However, what I would say is, in my experience with working with many many couples, the leaving it would only be a good option once you have exhausted all avenues to try and work out why the relationship isn't working and what you could do differently to make it work.
I always suggest the best option first off is to learn a better way - which is clearly what you have been trying to do with couples counselling. Felicia, I learnt that the vast majority of couples counsellors on the entire planet cannot teach you what you really need to know. They do the best they can, but they can't teach you the fundamental stuff you need to know, because they haven't learnt it either.
Most counsellors only learn techniques to treat the symptoms - like putting a band-aid on. What you need to learn is what is at the root cause of all the problems you are experiencing.
There is the most fantastic book that will explain exactly what you need to know. Once you have got and read the book - come back to me here and ask me more questions or go to the forum at www.reallove.com/forums/ and ask lots of questions as you are learning the new stuff.
The book is called Real Love in Marriage. It's written by a Dr Greg Baer and you can buy it from his website here. Real Love in Marriage
Let me know how you get on