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Divorce Issues/How do I stop throwing myself at my husband,and just leave him alone?

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Hey. I really need some advice about what to do about my marriage. Basically my husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have two young kids. I thought things were going good, and then all of a sudden one day he tells me he wants to separate for awhile/divorce. I felt so blindsided. He left, but then a few days later, he begged my forgiveness and came back. he was home for a week, then he changed his mind, and told me he wanted to leave again. so he's been gone for the past week or so. staying with a friend. He says he doesn't think he loves me any more, and he wants a few months to be separated and think about things. I told him to tell me if he is sure its over and this is what he truly wants. He says right now, he thinks he's sure he wants a divorce. but he's not 100 % sure, he says he might change his mind. and I'm the one sitting home with our children by myself so heart broken and in pain, i don't know what to do. i've never felt pain this bad in my life. i'm losing my husband. I feel so out of control of my life right now. I just want things to go back to the way they were before. i love him so much. I'm sick of him jerking me around. if he truly wants a divorce, then why doesn't he just say that for sure, instead of leaving me dangling? he expects i'm just gonna sit here and wait for him. He also, has been using me for sex, we had our daughters birthday party at a hotel this past weekend, and he slept with me that night, but apparently it doesn't mean anything to him, because he won't come home. and he also, tells me, that even if we are separated and divorced, he would still like to hook up occasionally and have sex. that is so insulting to me. i'm his wife. i shouldn't be treated like that. I just am so mad right now. I feel so stupid tho, because I keep running back and calling him and telling him how much i love and miss him. i know i shouldn't, i should just leave him alone for awhile, but I get so sad and depressed, that i just lose control, and can't help myself. i need to stop doing this. I feel so ashamed of myself after. he probably thinks i'm being so stupid running after him and begging like that. i don't deserve any of this. i'm a good person. I guess i just want so me advice, on how i should handle this with my husband. I wish i could just not have to see him at all right now, so i could have some time to heal. but we have kids. so i always have to take the kids over to see him every couple days for a few hours. that kills me. and I'm dying inside right now. I need to make this pain go away. i just can't stand it. I keep hoping he will come back and change his mind and really miss me. but as of now, he says he doesn't want to come home at all. so if this separation continues on, how long should i let it go or give it time, before him or I would file paper work? I don't want to rush into it for a little while. i think he should at least think about it and be very sure before he throws away our whole marriage. i want to fight for the marriage, but he doesn't, at least not right now. how do i do this, how do i get through this and stop the pain. and how do i stop throwing myself at him right now?

Answer
Ashley, this is a very complex situation and truly a crisis for your family.

A crisis is a situation where there is no going back to whatever it used to be. Break through or break up. So please keep this in mind and act decisively. Move through it to the next level.

Now I emphasize that because somehow in your description, I get the impression that your husbands idea of returning to the
marriage means in his mind returning to what it used to be.  That can't happen.

YOu say you think he is using you now for just sex. My guess is that it's been like tht for a very long time and that there is has been a secret distance between you for a very long time. Maybe more on his side, but I would be surprised if somewhere in your mind you could sense how h e wasn't really available, or he didn't really trust you or there was some serious limitation on the intimacy with him. There is so much you do not know. And there is also so much you do know but probably can't get a perspective on.

The fact that there is so much you do not know is very important. That will have to change. How you go about that is a delicate business I'd want to coach you on the specific steps.

Also, the situation as it is right now is chaotic but not unstable and it can continue for months.  
If you keep going as it is and do nothing, what he will learn is what it's like to be separated but not divorced.
He will not learn what it is like to be  married. He will  not learn what it is like to be divorced.
He probably never learned that and there was probably always a bit of separation with him.

Now I will tell you that a divorce will be very expensive for you both.  I suggest that you invest in time with a counselor before
investing in time with lawyers.  A divorce will cost you both around 2000 to 8000 and then there will be the expense of two  households and child support and so on.  My fee, for example, is $125 an hour and working with the both of you will take maybe ten hours.  So you might want to think about this. And maybe you want to find someone local. I would work with you both on skype or the phone.

So my suggestion is that you tell him that what he's doing now is wasting time.  Either get in and go to counseling and figure out how to make the marriage work... because it didn't.... or go and face the same crisis in his next three or four relationships.

Also, I suggest that you acknowledge that is as scary for you as it probably is for him. It's time to break through or breakup.
What you are doing now is an extreme version of more of the same.

Also, you can predict that the next relationship for him will be just as chaotic and if he wants to actually have a relationship, he can do the work now or stay chaotic for the next thirty years.

I could say the same to you. There are ways that a genuinely intimate relationship might be difficult for you as well.


LEt me know.
If you want to contact me, write me at drbelove@drbelove.com

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.  

Divorce Issues

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience

I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.


Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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