Divorce Issues/Divorce

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Hi I am seperated after a 24 year marriage. My husband wants me to go away quietly. In other words don't contest the divorce. He has a lawyer , I don't because I have no money. We already split property up except he has the camper which is in my name.  I haven't asked fur anything except keep me on his health insurance until I get a job and get my own. He agreed. But once we divorce I can no longer stay on it. But according to him I can. And I'm not talking cobra either. He did not stipulate in papers that he will continue coverage for me. I just need to take his word. Long story short, I told him I will have someone look at the divorce papers with me and he came unglued. He wants me to sign and send back. I'm not entitled to anything. He afraid if I seek help then it will cost him more money. I haven't worked , I can't find a job and living with my daughter. He will not help me what so ever. He lives in New Mexico and I'm now in Texas. My question is , being married as long as we been should I just walk away without a fight ? Doesn't 24 years mean anything ?

Answer
Hi Cheryl,

The question you have asked yourself is exactly the right question and how every you answer it, this is what you will live with for many years and so it is a wise question:
"My question is , being married as long as we been should I just walk away without a fight ? Doesn't 24 years mean anything ?"

What do you owe to yourself for your 24 years... and also what do you owe to your daughter?

Another question:  Do you trust him? My sense is that  you do not and if money were not an obstacle you would speak to an attorney.

Again, the way you handle this will set up the circumstances you will live with for the next 20 years, at least.  Do you owe that much to yourself to do a good job?

His "coming unglued"  is a strange reaction.  Seems to make a person more distrustful.

His insistence on cobra being available... when your research suggests it will not be... is more reason to be distrustful.

And also if you have not money... and the job market is terrible, why are you asking for nothing?

As you can see I am encouraging you to speak to an attorney. There are many women centers where some low cost legal advice is available. I do suggest you
have a professional read the agreement and give you an opinion.

All you owe him is fairness and honesty. Asking for a legal opinion for your side of the deal (did he have an attorney draw up the agreement?)  is fair and honest.

Also, when it's all done, you should give some thought to why you are reluctant to stand up for yourself... YOu might have good reasons and then you might not trust yourself.  

Good luck  

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience

I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.


Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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