Divorce Issues/divorce

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Hello,

I am 30 years old. I have 2 children and my second marriage will be over in 2 weeks. My divorce will be final then. I'm having so much anxiety over this. I've always battled depression but in the past 6 months it has became so difficult and my anxiety is at an all time high. Even going out in public now has my heart racing. A little backstory here.
If my husband had just fell out of love with me OR found someone else I would've been hurt. But I feel like I would've had some closure. Our situation was so dysfunctional that I'm having a really hard time coping. We were married for 4 years (together for 5). We had 1 child together. In November he actually kicked my daughter and I out of our home (my oldest child was staying with my mother). We had nowhere to go but back to my mom's house. I had no vehicle (I never had a vehicle during our marriage and was not allowed to drive the one we did own) and no job. In December (right before Christmas) he calls me up after a few weeks of no contact and wants to reconcile. Like a fool I went back. We were evicted a week later because I found that during my absence he had an affair with our landlady's daughter and had actually tried to move her in there (she came to my house to confront me with all this). Well because I had only been back 2 days and my parents had pretty much said they were through helping (this has happened multiple times but this was the first I had actual proof of an affair at all). I decided to try to stay and make things work. We then moved in with his sister. This lasted for 6 weeks. During this time I was promised marriage counseling (never happened) and a vehicle (so I could finally get a job and never be in this situation again). When we received our tax return he blew through all the money and I found out he was secretly texting people (i never found out who exactly). So after having so many health problems (anxiety, high blood pressure, thoughts of suicide) I decided to leave. We returned back to my parents home this time when I filed for divorce. After I left I found out he was in a relationship with his brothers ex wife (crazy!) and that she had been arrested in August for making & selling drugs. He's not contacted me at all about our child, wants very little to do with her (in fact he only wants to see her twice a month under his mom's supervision) and has offered no financial support (knowing I had no job or vehicle). I feel so completely lost and devastated. I mean I do realize that normal people do not act this way, that I'm going to be so much better off. But in the meantime how do I get through this? Being a single mom yet again and having no idea where to start. I don't want to think about dating anyone for quite some time because I feel like I'm a complete wreck but I don't know how to fix things. Any advice you could offer would be great. Thank you

Answer
HI Ashley.

That's an amazing story.  It's perhaps one of the most dysfunctional stories I've ever heard and I spent about 5 years doing social work back in the 70's and I saw some pretty desperate situations. Yours is right up there.

But basically, I think you are on the right track. No dating.

"First things first" is the best motto  here.
Get yourself stable.  
Get a living situation and a job and childcare. That will be difficult enough.

There used to be public housing in rural areas that was reasonably safe and often people in your situation
had medicaid and that covered counseling.

I don't know about today. Maybe you need to find another single parent and you guys can share housing and childcare.

Go to welfare and they will make sure they get money from him, the father. Don't deal with him  directly and get a restraining
order to keep him away.  

Get some counseling.  The main reason you want it is so that you have someone stable and sober who you can talk to about  how things are going and who only wants you to do well and isn't interested in more, isn't interested in getting into your pants or your soul or your purse. And while you are there you can figure out why your standards were so low and why you were drawn to so much drama.

If you get horny or something like that, and that really really does happen, find someone calm and nice and don't expect too much. You'll be using him temporarily to get you through this period.  I know that you're not supposed to do that, but I also know that people do it and it is better than rushing into a marriage. Best if you can be celibate but that's asking a lot and if you decide to have a FFriend, then, at least be honest about it.

Another option is a nice church community and sometimes, if it suits you, that can help you get back on your feet.  


I hope this helps.  You can write for one free follow up... Good luck

Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D.  

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Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Expertise

Divorce is the beginning of a life review process. For many people, it`is the first intentional decision they make about their lives. The transition into the next stage of life is difficult at first, but it gets easier. The questions I can help you with: What happened? How do I take care of our children? How do I get over my anger? How do I plan a future for myself?

Experience

I am Philip Belove, psychologist and coach. My specialty is helping people do their midlife transformation work, a psychological project that creates a foundation for happy and satisfying second half of life.

Midlife Work, because it involves so much careful attention to inner truth, is notoriously stressful on marriages and on dating relationships.

The challenges of the midlife project are echoed in the typical questions asked me as a dating-at-midlife expert:

?Learning to reconcile what you say with what you do. This challenge is echoed in questions like: Why does he say this when he does that? What is really happening?
?Learning to create your own dreams instead of being the victim of someone else's. This challenged is echoed in questions like these: How do I say that I don't want to xyz? I've been lying about some things and what should I do now?
?Learning to live a life that suits you. This challenge produces questions like Is what I'm doing normal? What if my kids think I'm crazy? How can I say that this is starting to bother me?

A person doing Midlife Transformation Work needs to develop 1) A Working Vision, 2) Skills and Strategies to realize that vision, and 3) External sources of support for the project. My role for people is to be part of the support system. I help people clarify their visions, develop the strategies and skills they need, and I help them review their progress.


Education/Credentials
M.A. Counseling Psychology
Ed.D. Counsulting Psychology (Family Therapy)

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