Divorce Issues/Baby on the way

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Question
So I just want to say thank you in advance. I've used this site before and its been so helpful. I think you can really help me out here. I am currently in the toughest situation I've ever been in my entire life. Yeah, I'm only 23, but I have always been one to learn the hard way. And I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. But, today I question that. I recently honorably discharged from the Army. I was married to my wife, Aleah, three years ago. We were happy and were best friends. The last year in the Army we had some tough times. Just weren't getting along and seeing eye to eye. We came home to Wisconsin and tried working things out but I just did not see myself with her for the rest of my life. It broke my heart just as it did hers. I was never in a relationship before and I thought this was it. But it just wasn't. And now I feel like such a horrible person for wanting divorce. Even though she has mentioned it in the past and it has brought me down. Now all of a sudden she wants to give all her effort, when I'm not willing to give any.
Just as I'm about to try to move on with my life, file the divorce, move on with my career, buy a home. She calls me and tells me she is pregnant. Never felt so bad in my life. I've taken on so many responsibilities in my life. Worked so hard. Become a man. Fought for our country. I'm far from perfect. Like I said I've always learned the hard way. But I am extremely introverted and prefer to be alone. And now this is happening to me. I have no idea what to do. I am not cut out to be a father. We talked about adoption. But it is just so hard for me to fathom that thought right now. I just want to move on my life. Reach my goals. No setbacks. But it seams I cant avoid those setbacks. I have to be a man and own up to everything. But how do I do this the right way. I know I have to be there for her. But how exactly do we get through this. Thanks again.

Answer
Dear Jeremy,

When I first read your post, I knew I couldn't just give you a quick response.  So, here goes . . .

Many states will not grant a divorce decree while the woman is pregnant.  Even though the baby has not arrived, the two of you are already "parents."  Fortunately, it sounds like you have a few months for that to sink in and adjust, because that is what you'll have to do.  As for working on the marriage, I understand what you are saying.  If you're done, you're done.  The marriage may ultimately end, but that doesn't change the fact the two of you are co-parents.  

As for being an introvert, many of us are.  Introvert has sort of become the new label to be excused from dealing with people and that's simply not the case.  I'm very much an introvert and need my "alone time" to recharge, but I also love people . . . they can just be draining.  All things considered, introverts can be draining, as well, as they are often difficult to read and probably leave a great deal of awkward silence for others to deal with.  I think the "introvert" label is really more of a cover for folks who have intimacy issues and prefer to keep folks at an arm's length.  Your baby may be very much like you, or very much like your wife, but you are this child's Daddy.

As for being a man and fighting for your country.  Thank you.  There's more to being a man than fighting.  As for your comment: "And now this is happening to me."  Let me share a little insight here.  You make this sound like you are viewing yourself as some sort of victim, and that is simply not the case.  Surely, as a 23 year old man, you know where babies come from . . .

I truly hope you can come around to thinking differently about a baby, than to refer to the existence of a child, as a setback.  That's not fair to a child at all, and they will pick up on those feelings!  Believe me, I know.  

The right thing to do is to remain a supportive partner for your wife and get ready to be a parent.  This pregnancy doesn't have to change your feelings about each other and if it comes up, you need to be honest that you are supporting her through this pregnancy, but not interested in working on the marriage, if that's how you feel.  You needn't bring it up, if she doesn't, as pregnancy can be very stressful and highly emotional.  That's a fact, and that also calls for "being a man" in an entirely different way than fighting for your country.

This may not be what you want to hear, but you've made a baby and you have some months to adjust to the fact you and your wife are now responsible for another human being.  You can still reach goals, and they are even more important now!  Even if you are done with your marriage, you have no idea how much love your heart can hold for this tiny little human being, you've yet to lay eyes on.  Get ready for another new experience at being a man . . . holding your baby.  You have made another human being!  Time to celebrate that!

I wish you well and much happiness.  Write back if I can be of encouragement through this, and please let me know when the little one arrives.  I'm guessing you are going to be one proud Daddy!

Kind Regards,
KD Liz
www.thelandofgoshen.com

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Kindred Beisinger penname K D Elizabeth Beisinger

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I can answer general questions regarding separation, property, and some custody questions. I cannot answer legal questions or specific questions pertaining to individual states and counties. I can offer support through the pending time, as well as offering assistance and ideas as you move on as a single individual. I can tell you how to avoid repeat pitfalls and help you learn to leave old baggage out of new relationships. I can help you work through the contemplative time of "what if" and "if only." I am able to offer advice in dealing with unnecessary guilt, undeserved judgment, and share insight as to discerning between concerned friends, family and coworkers and nosey gossips.

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I have been divorced more than once and am now married to my soulmate. We are living the exact life we both wanted to build 30 years ago, long before we ever met. Well actually it's better than I had dared hope.

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