Expert: Equality in Marriage Institute - 12/2/2005

Question

 Hello,

  I have a marriage going sour, I am the sole bread winner for 15 years ( large income) My wife refuses to work, kids are in school everyday all day, she has had control of the family accounts but I have discovered many misdeeds and mismanaged accounts without my knowledge.
I have taken control and put her on a system which she must ask me for funds for needed expenses. She claims this is illegal and against her rights. I s she correct? Can she take whatever money I make at will during the marriage?

                Thank You

                  Ray

Answer
Dear Ray,

While I am not a legal expert, I have never heard in my years working with people facing issues in their marriage/ divorce that it is illegal for a spouse to control all of the family money. What it is, however, is not nice. There may be a big part missing from this situation- why was the money mishandled? What was the money spent on? food for the table or gucci shoes? By simply taking away the money- you have not really addressed the issue(s). Consider speaking with a counselor- either separately or together about this aspect of your marriage. You may find that other issue are brought up such as her not working and you feeling unappreciated for all of your hard work. Perhaps your hard work is taking away from family time? There is a delicate balance in a marriage and it appears that your is off. Taking away all of the money does not teach saving, money management, self control or give one self respect and confidence. Consider an accoutn that she can have access too that you deposit a certain amount into. No one, especially a spouse likes to ask permission. It can be humilating and degrading.

While I do not believe that you are doing anything illegal by controlling all of the money, you are  (both of you) not resolving the issue.

I hope this is of some help.  Check out equalityinmarriage.org and smartmarriages.com for more info on retreats and support.