Divorce Issues/Somewhat mutual divorce
Greetings. My wife and I have been married for just over 4 years now. We met in church and, at the onset of our now over 7 year realtionship, we were heavy churchgoers, going to every revival, gospel concert, or whatever that we could. For some reason, after we got married, that particular fire died down, as the reality of life got to us (I was 21 and a junior in college and she was 20 and finishing her AA when we married).
The first couple of years of marriage were awesome. But, the third year, she wanted to have a baby; I didn't feel that we were financially secure enough (we still as then currently live in a borrowed trailer on my family property, too close to family; I am also currently completing my Master's Degree and have not been able to secure any kind of long-term employment because of it); the idea of a baby scared me. Further, she found out about all kinds of reproductive problems (that may lead to being endometriosis).
I admit, I was not really there for her during this; from what I understand of the psychological differences in reactions between male and female (and between any two people, for that matter), I had a normal male reaction--don't wanna talk about it, scared to admit the problem, etc. So, she confided in my uncle (whose property we live on and who raised me when my parents died), who also dealt with not having kids, and is my wife's barn buddy.
Since then, she has decided she no longer loves me (we had agreed that love is not an emotion, but an action and choice between two parties, as per James Dobson and other Christian counseling resources), so this is a willful act. Further, I suspect very seriously a growing relationship (if it isn't there already) between my uncle (who is still married to my mom's sister) and wife. If they have not been having an affair physically, they have indeed emotionally and by the excess amount of time they spend together.
I have to stop here because I'm losing whatever question I had when I sat down to type, but there is the gist of my situation. I have acquiesced to the divorce because I realize the stubborness (which she readily admits) of my wife when she sets her mind on something (she refuses counseling). I would like to work on our relationship, but it is worthless to talk to her. I have always hated the word divorce, and now find myself in the ironic situation of having to undergo it. This is especially worrisome to me since I am part of a singing ministry, and worry how being divorced will affect my witness, my relationship with God, and my minstry.
Please help however you can.
Thanks for writing. This situation does not sound like one that is ready to call quits.
She may very well be in an emotional affair with this man and that could be part of the reason she is so stubborn to refuse counseling and to want a divorce. She is probably thinking that the grass is greener on his side of the fence.
I don't subscribe to the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus theory. Men and women are different, yes, and are wired a bit differently, but they are created so that they will meet each other's needs. The joke about men is that they are all clueless and check out when women want to talk and share feelings. Well, I know men who DO share their feelings and are very bit as open and caring as women. So it is possible for all people to CHOOSE their actions.
God called you to be submitted fully to God. As you do this then you are to love your wife as Christ loved the church. You are the source of strength, and life for your wife. She is wired by God to receive this from you. You are wired to give it to her. This is the flow that God wanted. From God, to the husband, to the wife. You can be a source of life to your wife, or you can be a source of death if you do not respond to her needs the way you are called to. If you were not there for her when she needed you, she went to find this comfort somewhere else. You have to take responsibility for driving her elsewhere. The husband is responsible for feeding and nurturing his wife. I talk to so many women who are starving and they need this nurturing and love in order to live. They stray because they are hungry. Why is it that another man can feed her when you can't? Why have you allowed another man to step in to take the place of what you should be doing? It is a choice, Levi. It is a choice you made to not care for your wife as the Lord told you to in His word. He warns us in Hosea that when you are paying attention to other things, the wife will stray. So it is your God given mandate to keep your wife so filled up and nourished that she wouldn't ever dream about trying to go elsewhere. Do you understand what I am saying to you?
This is a very HUGE topic and unfortunately there is a lot of bad teaching out there about marriage. I want you to get the following book TODAY and devour it. I believe that there is hope for your marriage..
The Man of Her Dreams, The Woman of His by Pastor Joel and Kathy Davisson.
I have thrown out all other marriage books. This one nails it. It rightly interprets the Bible with regards to marriage and starts holding people accountable for their actions. If you go to their website, you will find MUCH help here. I want you to go to the page where Pastor talks to MEN. And go through the testimonies there. There is a lot of reading and will take you some time, but purpose to sit down and start reading. I know you will see yourself in some of these men's letters and you will hear what Pastor Joel has to say to these men. I believe you will be blessed...
If you want to save your marriage there is much you need to do and when you read this book, I believe that you will truly your understand this....
Joel and Kathy's website is http://godsavemymarriage.com/
In His Service,
Walk By Faith Counseling Center