Expert: Equality in Marriage Institute - 11/15/2005

Question
My ex is complaining to my parents,sisters,family about everything.He's saying I won't let him see the kids (which ISN'T true). I've told him twice now that he needs to let me know when he will be picking them up from the daycare so I can have extra clothes ready for them. He waits until 4 pm of that day to let me know and calls me at work to tell me he's taking them for the night. We have been seperated since Oct.14 and he has only kept them one Saturday night and once a week since. We only live 2 miles away from one another. A friend of mine has seen him at the bar on numerous occasions and he's been going to the bar w/MY sister, as well. Can I do anything to stop him from discussing OUR problems w/my family and what can I do to get a scheduele worked up w/him on when he wants the kids? He also tells me that if I take the kids around any one else,he will try to get full custody of the kids. I don't feel like this is fair. If we've both decided to move on, how can I possibly ever go out and move on when I always have the kids? Could I actually loose them if I did go out w/someone and he brought his kids along, too? I thought after we seperated, I wouldn't be under his control any longer but yet, here I am still being controlled! HELP!!!

Answer
Dear Jennifer,

You didn't happen to note if you are getting divorced or not, but in either case, the sooner you can talk about your child custody arrangements the better. It will be less stressful on your children and on each other. There are MANY books on child custody and various arrangements. I would like to recommend one by Brette McWhorter Sember "How to Parent with Your Ex". Also visit gocrc.com or.org.

As far as getting him to stop discussing your marital problems the only thing I can think of is to have a talk with him and ask him what beneift he recieves be doing so? revenge? needing someone to talk to? The sharign of such persoanl information to soem one other than a close friend or therapist can be damaging to family relationships and ultimately your children. Children have ears and they hear how adults speak, what they say and how they approach problems and this is what they learn.

You may want to speak with a counselor or a support group in your area about how to handle this aspect of the divorce.

I hope this was of some help.