AboutTerri Matheis Expertise I founded a nationwide social group for divorced & separated women in 2004. The group`s name is Sassy Pink Peppers and our motto is "Laugh, Dance, Move On!" I can answer any question with regards to divorce, starting over, and moving on to a more positive life.
Experience I have been divorced twice, with one remarriage in between, and started a nationwide social group for divorced & separated women in 2004. The group's name is Sassy Pink Peppers and our motto is "Laugh, Dance, Move On!".
Question QUESTION: I have been married to my husband for 11 yrs. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. The stepdaughter is 19 going on 20, she is in college and works and lives with her mom. The ex-wife has made a history of making calls during working hours and always asking for money. My husbands support is paid in full and no longer in effect. Now the ex-wife still is making calls during working hours and luxuries for the stepdaughter, the latest would be a 10 day trip to Italy. My husband and I have four children we are raising at our home, camping trips are a luxury for us. I believe the ex-wife is still calling to continue to badmouth my husband to their daughter. The ex-wife has spent her life making certain that the daughter thinks of her dad as only a source of money. Recent readings on parental alienation are very accurate in describing the ex-wife. How do we get these calls to end?
ANSWER: PAS is a huge problem and thank god, Alec Baldwin has brought the issue into the media.
Since you and your husband have four children together, my suggestion would be to address each request by the ex-wife by Times Five. In other words, be fair across the board. If you give your step-daughter a trip to Italy, will you do the same for the other four children? If you are going to send your son to a private college, should the step-daughter not get the same advantage? Do you see my point? As the musketeers said, "All for one and one for all!"
Please tell your husband not to cave into unreasonable demands and never appear as a "puppet". The daughter must at all costs see her father as a strong man who will give willingly those things which he deems appropriate or within his means, but will also say no as necessary. In other words, he will "parent".
Good luck to you. I hope this has helped!
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QUESTION: Thank you for your response, I agree totally with you about Alec Baldwin & PAS.
My husand didn't cave, it wasn't even a consideration. But I am still wondering do we continue to endure these calls from the ex-wife?? She has been told when is a appropriate time to reach either one of us, but she prefers to leave these messages. Like I said I think it is to continue to bash my husband for not passing out any more $$. The request are always excessive. His daughter and her mom live extremely beyond their means. My stepdaughter hasn't seen us since child support stopped and prior to that her visits were about once every other month (my husband didn't want to MAKE her come over) Anyhow do you predict that the ex-wife will someday quit calling, should she just be ignored, or what? It is very distrubing to hear her messages which ALWAYS include "this is your ONLY daughter", "remember this is your FIRST born" etc. Frankly I am extremely sick of her.
ANSWER: Jo, I totally understand the difficult position that you are in. On the one hand, it would be easy to just not answer the phone or listen to messages; however, what if it was a true emergency? On the other hand, you listen to the messages. In this case, the woman has entered your home with her vile and creates a negative atmosphere in your home or perhaps, friction between you and your husband.
Put it into perspective: this is a very angry woman who has wasted at least a decade of her life being vengeful. She is not going to change. She is not your husband's fault, nor is she your step-daughter's fault. She is who she is and, quite honestly, she is pitiful.
Now, before I get hate mail from other readers, let me add that she may have very good reasons for being so angry...I don't know the circumstances of the divorce. However, there is a point where a woman needs to "let go" and move on in her life. It is apparent that this particular woman has not.
My advice would be to ignore her. Listen to the voice messages, and unless an emergency, delete them from the machine as well as your memory bank. Do not respond under any circumstances. Hopefully, in time, the frequency will dwindle. Regardless, the daughter is becoming older and within a few years there will be no more purpose for phone calls...well, at least until she chooses to marry. But cross that bridge when you get to it!
Take care.
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QUESTION: Thank you, you are right about everything. And yes, their divorce was not good. My husband is an alcoholic which led to their divorce, but you would of thought after his treatment and his continue recovery and her re-marriage (10 yrs ago) that the bitterness would subside. Guess not? I must say I am very very impressed with your take on things, I have heard this information before just wasn't listening, I guess. Thank you again-jo
ANSWER: Your welcome, Jo, but let me add one more thought after having read the circumstances around the divorce. She may unknowingly also feel jealousy that you get to have the sober husband she would have loved to have had for herself. I've often heard that hurt appears as anger and this would be a prime example. Although she becomes even more tragic a character if this is the case, she, nonetheless, has had plenty of time to work through the pain. Stick with my advice.
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QUESTION: Ok it has been a couple of weeks since the ex-wife called and the request for Italy $$$ was made. Last week we received a call from the ex-sister-in-law (ex wifes sister) seems that she is interested in having some construction work done at her home (that is my husbands trade) and she wants my husband to come over. Now a little history on the ex-sister-in-law her best friend in life is the ex-wife and their parents live on the same piece of property. When my stepdaughter graduated high school we declined an invitation to attend a party for her at their home...why...because every single family member has served my husband with some type of court paperwork on behalf of his ex-wife....we offered to take the stepdaughter out to dinner and celebrate her graduation on a different night (she of course declined). The ex-sister-in-law has only called our home previous to 'remind' my husband about his daughters birthday (like that was necessary, NOT, just a way to insult my husband).
Anyhow my husband is suppose to call her back Friday. He immediately told me that he was going to refer her to someone else.....yeah
BUT within a couple of days, he told me "This probably has something to do with the Italy trip and I should just do the job and give the $$ to my daughter (who of course would be at her aunt's during his work)"
I told him he can do whatever he likes, BUT I am not supporting any communication with any relatives of his daughter, I have been thru years of his ex and enough is enough.
So today he says it is a plot and he isn't going to do the job...yet he is constantly riddle with guilt for not handy over $$ to his daughter.
I don't understand, she plays him for nothing more than a sugar daddy, she hasn't been over in nearly a year, 90% of the time she never returns his calls....and it isn't just that she has two brothers (which I am certain she refers to as half-brothers out of our presence)
It is so frustrating that NOW here comes all kinds of calls from the ex (italy $$) the ex-sister-in-law (work request...hhmm) and oh yeah his daughter did finally call this week at NOON (we always work atleast 9-5....she knew we wouldn't be home....tactic just like her mom)
Guess I am dumping
But I see a huge conspiracy....the aunt wanting a job (cheap) my husband doing it (hopefully not) his ex (wife, in-laws and daughter hanging out during job and discussing Italy $) and perhaps even the Aunt leaving the $ with his daughter to pay him.......all to make him feel obligated and look like a horses behind.
Any input/advise
ty
Answer Oh boy, this is where second marriages get into trouble.
Regardless of whether it is a tactic or not, he will appear to be one who can be swayed by money. The most graceful means of exiting is to say that he does not mix work with friends/relations. Quite understandable and wise given the situation!
As one who has been the daughter in my own parent's divorce saga, and the second wife in a marriage which ended, I can only advise you that your husband is too thick in the middle emotionally to have a subjective perspective like you. The best thing to do is to continue to take the high road and not to cave in to demands. The daughter will "get it" when she has children of her own, and she will have greater respect for her father at that time. Right now, she is simply an emotional pawn --- just like her dad. They are both victims.
P.S. From a business perspective, there's no reason to throw away the whole deal....I would call competitors and give the contact info once they agree upon a referral fee should they get the job! :)
