Expert: Philip Belove, Ed.D. - 12/5/2004

Question
I am only recently seperated, 3 months, living out of the house 5 weeks, I have already felt like dating. The divorce was my wifes idea, we had not had sex for several years and slept alone, my wife is an incest victim and this seriously affected our relationship. I tried very hard to stop the seperation yet to no avail. My wife has now told me she will never get back with me, but will sleep with me and wants to stay friends. This is amazing considering we had no sex in the latter part of our marriage. I still love my wife but need to know who is kidding who, I just want my life to get back to some degree of normality, should I sleep with my wife, forget her and move on, do both.
I do not deserve this. Anymore words of wisdom most appreciated.
Thanks
Chris

Answer
Hi Chris.
Thanks for writing. I don't think a long-term plan is the best idea at this point in time. I might be wrong. I'd need to talk to you a little more. Maybe we're best off by just planning the next step. And that depends a lot on what you want. The fact that you asked me what to do suggests to me that you are still making up your mind about your wife and whether it's worth your while to still hold onto your hopes.  Basically I'm counseling that you wait and see.  

She's asking for something rather ambiguous and it's hard to read her vision of the future from what she is asking for.  She wants to remain as friends and lovers. Now that she is out of the house, which decreases intimacy in one sense, she wants to increase intimacy in a different sense. From my view, looking at the overall pattern, it looks like a net even. You lose a little here and you gain a little there.  

I could be dead wrong, too. It's a only a guess based on my clinical experience but, as my teacher always said, “it could always be something different.”  It would mean that she's shifted the overall arrangement of your relationship but not gotten either closer to you or farther away. So I do wonder how she's thinking about this and how she explains this intriguing request of hers.  

Let's say my theory is right.  It would suggest that she gets a little nervous around you on a day-to-day basis but basically she likes you and appreciates you. But she can't handle the anxiety she experience when you are a constant presence in her life.  This is a recognizable phase of the recovery from childhood incest. Some people go on to a more wide ranging recovery and for others, it's the best they can do. It depends a lot on the person's temperament and on the severity of the abuse.  

Let's assume she is really doing absolutely the best she can do to manage the residue of some overwhelming emotionally, spiritually, and possibly physically damaging experiences. Meanwhile you are left with your feelings, and your vision of how you want your future to go.

Well, you are right. You do not deserve this. Neither did she. Incest is the wound that keeps on wounding. Consider yourself collateral damage. It sounds to me like you yourself are just now coming to grips with the implications for you of her wounds.

So. Back to next steps.  I know she has told you to forget about anything in the long term ever, period. Is she serious or did she say that sometimes this is how she feels? It is an important question and I don't know how to tell at this point.

Are there professionals involved? Are you working with anyone as well?  You have a hard decision to make. If it were me, I'd be strongly inclined to go with her program for a while and then see if she starts to feel more safe with me and then, once that part is solid, then see if maybe there is a way to patch things up.  I don't think men understand how vital safety concerns are for women. (It goes the other way as well.)

Let me tell you something else about “back to normal.”  This is vitally important. What was back there wasn't “normal.” It wasn't even close to “normal.” I don't know exactly how it was distorted but I'd guess that she had all sorts of feelings she wasn't sharing with you. There is no going  “back” to it. You can only go forward. This is where you want to be talking to a counselor.  You need to develop a workable point of view on your situation. It might be savable but you need some additional perspective and you need to be willing to give it some time.

You have some big decisions to make. Maybe you want to give up on and go on to something else.  My experience in working with midlife couples and a lot of midlife single couples-in-formation is that the thoughtfulness required in a successful relationship is about the same whether you are starting a new one or trying to rescue and old one.

Thanks about all I can do in this initial letter. I you want to talk to me once on the phone, I'll send you my number. Otherwise, I'd appreciate a longish response from you about what you think about what I've just told me. You can respond directly to me at drbelove@datingatmidlife.com or just do a follow up with allexperts. Also, you might enjoy my newsletters and you can subscribe at www.datingatmidlife.com and find previous newsletters there as well.

Good luck and let me hear back from you.
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Philip Belove, Ed.D.