AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Expert: Dianne Schwartz Date: 1/14/2008 Subject: Is it Domestic Violence?
Question When I first met my partner I thought he was kind and thoughtful. Although I remember being stunned when I saw him beat his dog. He said this was out of character and he was stressed. Later I became pregnant with our first child, we were then living together, and he ignored me for weeks on end. We had both agreed to start a family, but in the end I moved out. Towards the end of the pregnancy he asked me back, and I decided to give it a go. I now have three children aged 8, 11 and 13 years. We have been married 12 years. In the early days he had a very bad temper and threatened to knife me, he has punched holes in the wall, dragged and pushed me about, he has thrown things and been verbally abusive, shouting and yelling. It was always worst in pregnancy and after the birth of my sons. I told his family about the violence some years ago and they have never spoken to me since. He has not hit me or been physically agressive for some years, so I am confused about whether it is still abuse. He still screams and shouts at me. He is worse when he has had a drink which is most nights. He controls all the finances and everything in the house. He likes to have the house to himself and for some time I have felt like a lodger in my own home. He is obsessive about cleaning and if I did any cleaning he would do it again saying it was not good enough. The children are afraid of dropping crumbs on the carpet and if they do get on their knees and pick them up or he shouts. I am very isolated with no family or friends. I gave up work 2 years ago due to stress and decided to work on my marriage and be a full-time mother. I also do voluntary work. Nothing is working. I asked him to tell his family that I was not lying and try and resolve the situation with them because I find their 'freezing me out' very hurtful. However he has always refused to address the problems with his family. He told me not to make him choose between him and his family because I would not win (I was confused because I thought myself and my children were his family). Christmas is always difficult because of the family situation, the fact he controls the finances makes it difficult for me to provide for the children, plus there is more alcohol around the house which is a bad combination. He started screaming at me the first week in January and I felt he hated me so much he could kill me (possibly I'm being over dramatic). Even though he has not laid a finger on me for years, I am now afraid of him. I have tried to discuss past and present problems with him again and again, but he trivialises everything or says that my memory is not correct and things didn't happen the way I describe. At the moment I am very confused, anxious, depressed and feel totally worthless and lacking in self-confidence. I am not sure what to do or even if this is abuse. I think I have reached the end, and cannot continue like this much longer. I am worried about the present and also the future, in case I make decisions I later regret. I also feel sad for him and my children. I feel as though in some way I am to blame for all of this and often think about the good times we had. I almost feel I am ill-treating him because I am thinking of seperating from him. Is this normal. I am under a great deal of stress and yet am continuing normal routines as far as possible for the sake of my three children. I should add in the past he has pushed my youngest child in anger on the stairs and my child fell akwardly injuring his shoulder and once he smacked my 13 year old child quite hard and left a mark. Although he doesn't push me around he can be a discipliniarian with the children and they sometimes give me furtive looks as though they are indicating something about his mood being menacing or threatening. I apologise for the length of this email. I just need some good advice. I am grateful for any guidance you feel able to offer.
Answer Dear Sharon,
Please, please, please buy a copy of my book and read it. All battered women (yes, you are one of them) think the same way. We take the blame and shame on our shoulders while the abuser denies and tells us we're the one who is wrong.
He will never tell his family the truth. I wouldn't want these people in my life if they don't care what he's doing to you. You're better off without them.
Remember that you are allowing your children to learn how to treat women. Abuse is a learned behavior. It isn't the alcohol. He would yell and scream regardless. Please give your sons the opportunity to grow up in a normal and peaceful home. You owe them that.
I want you to read my book (Whose Face is in the Mirror?), you can buy it used at Amazon and email me afterward. I will be your support online. Try to find a local support group. Call your local shelter for info. But, reach out for help. You're confused because he's conning you. It's normal for an abuser.
You and your children deserve happiness but you'll never have it with this man. Don't worry about him, just think of yourself and those boys.
