AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Expert: Annie Kaszina Date: 1/8/2008 Subject: Why do i still love him soo much
Question i am 18, in may last year my boyfriend of a year bit me all over it was so bad i had 2 leave and go to the police he is now awaiting court but i regret that i went to the police cause i have lost the one person i have ever truly loved and don't think i could ever have the same feelings for anyone else, everyday i think of him and how much i love him, I'm trying too tell myself not to love him anymore for what he done 2 me and the mess he left me in but i just cant seem to forget all the good times we had i think of them every day is there anyway i could block the good times out the way i block the bad times out?? x
Answer Well yes Zoe, you could just as easily block out the good times. You are pretty good already at blocking out the things you want to forget. And you clearly don't want to forget the 'good times' yet, do you?
The real question is why do you want to hang on to them?
Could it be because you are so hungry to feel loved that you will settle for pretty much anything?
I could give you the long answer and explain how the more an abusive partner deprives you of the affection you want and need, the more you obsess about getting him to say the words you want to hear, and be the man you'd like him to be, but I won't bother. You already know what a powerful hook it is.
Of course, do you really need to block out a big chunk of your relationship? There were good times - rather fewer than you like to remember, I suspect - and bad times, which would only get worse with time. Biting is both infantile and dangerous behaviour. Does the name Hannibal Lecter ring a bell?
It would make more sense to look back at the relationship and draw up a clear chart of what you liked and disliked about it, what you would want in future relationships and what you definitely don't want. Because there will be future relationships, won't there?
In life you tend to get what you are prepared to settle for.
How little are you prepared to settle for?
It sounds like you haven't had much love in your life yet. The fact is, if you are prepared to settle for violent types like your ex-boyfriend, you won't have much love. Although you will have a lot more misery.
Ask yourself what you really, really love about this guy?
When it comes down to it, probably not that much. Loving him somehow makes it alright to be miserable, alright to be treated badly, alright to stop being the strong, powerful woman you really are.
Love him if you must. But remember, whether you are happy or sad is your choice.
You've done misery for the past 8 months and you've seen where that's got you.
