Expert: Dianne Schwartz - 10/24/2008

Question
Hi.

I've been married for 5 years, and have a preschooler.  My husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive until about 3 years ago I told him if he did not get counselling I was leaving.  Some examples of his abuse:

Not letting me sleep at night (stomping angrily around the house, turning on the bedroom light, pulling my covers off), watching me while I was on the phone (literally just staring at me until I got off the phone), calling me every hour to know where I was, etc. etc. the list goes on.

I have never cheated, and have never lied to him to make him act this way.

He has never hit me.

He got counselling and went for about 6 months.  It helped tremendously and everthing was fine.

A couple of months ago, um, I'm not sure if it's starting again or if I'm just overly sensitive.  He has started to have mood swings again.  At what point does moodiness become abusive?  I don't want to leave him, but I don't have the energy to go through this again.  He is in a bad mood almost every day now, and I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like he is punishing me in some way for "letting" him get upset somehow.  Is the abuse coming back, or am I just being sensitive?

At what point does a husband's mood swings become abusive?  

He refuses to go back to counseling and refuses to go back on his antidepressant medication that the doctor put him on before.

Do abusers ever REALLY change?

Answer
Hi Amanda!

They don't change if they are allowed to continue with the abuse. They get away with whatever their victim will allow.

I would tell him that not going back to counseling and not going back on the medication were deal breakers for you because you are being forced to live with his problem, making it your problem. Sometimes, we have to give ultimatums. Whatever works.

Mood swings become abusive when they change your life, make you feel stressed or controlled or bad about yourself. When they bring negativity into your life when you've done nothing.

Honestly, I don't think six months of therapy is nearly long enough for his abuse patterns. It takes longer than that to dig to the root of the problems. I know as the victim, it took longer than that for me so why should it be less for an abuser?

Remember, your child is learning from watching her/his father. Abuse is learned behavior so it's important to get all of this under control before it's too late.

Good luck with this and stay strong. Don't accept less than what you want and deserve.

Dianne