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Domestic Violence/Can my abusive husband change?

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Jan wrote at 2009-03-20 14:26:20
Thank you so much for this counsel. I have been in an abusive relationship for 30 years. Because of my many children, I couldn't move on to another place and didn't have the finances or support to do so, especially because I was living in my husband's home country. Finally, I received a large enough sum of money to change my life around and leave him, and most of my children were grown up.  Sometimes I feel condemned because I don't want to get into all the details of abuse to explain my separation from him and others may not understand. I almost never told anybody what was going on behind closed doors. Only a lawyer who couldn't understand why I didn't leave him sooner. Also my ex is a good actor and is able to be a nice person (sometimes) around outsiders. So some think he's a pretty nice guy. But the Lord knows what went on and how he abused my children too.

So, your counsel has been helpful because I think the Devil wants to condemn me for my separation, and when I feel condemned, I think I'm not the person God wants me to be.

Again, thank you.



Sincerely,



Jan




s wrote at 2010-10-06 22:46:02
I happen to come across this page while searching for an answer to my abusive husband's multiple personality syndrome. Why is that he is extremely nice, considerate and sweet person in front of his friends, but for me he is a very different person.

I don't even know what love or affection means. I am emotionally, mentally and physically tortured to the extent that I am just existing and not living hoping for a miracle to happen.




Sue wrote at 2011-06-07 16:42:49
Jen's story is so like mine, it's remarkable to me. The difference is that I have been married 28 years and my husband has never sought counseling for his abusive nature. Unlike Jen, I have been hit many times, but not for the last 8 years. I stayed to raise my boys, because I knew joint custody would be a nightmare, and I feared no judge would believe my circumstances. I stood up to him and did my best to keep things peaceful at home. I never thought his behavior was my fault. When I stood up to him the abuse was actually worse. I never told anyone what was going on until 10 months ago. The support has been amazing. I am separated and he is seeking counseling, I have no desire to stay with him, and my kids are in college now. They are productive, gentle people that understand the consequences of abuse and know that it is wrong. They are calm when stress is high. I have told them to seek help if they ever feel out of control when they are angry, and to remember what they saw me go through. I am also a Christian and as a 23 year old (in 1983) I was unable to understand how this could happen to me. He was so different when we were dating, but we married within a year of meeting one another. I am now 51 and moving on. I have a lot to deal with, but I refuse to be bitter, angry or vengeful. What's the point? I am hoping for a amicable split...am I crazy to think it's possible? I know there will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren, etc and I don't want to have to avoid those functions because he is there. I still deal with a lot of fear but hope that someday I will have an abundance of peace. I'm a teacher, and I love my job and kids, so I can always find something good everyday. I try to focus on that, but I hated being home when he was and I hate it when he calls, I never know if he's angry or might be soon. He can become so enraged in a split second that I have also wondered about a disorder.  Reading Jen's note made me feel less alone and I so appreciated your response to her story. Thank you.


Tired and needing out wrote at 2011-06-08 18:44:53
Wow, Jen's story is almost the same as mine except like Sue my abuse has been not only verbal/emotional but physical as well.  I have been hit, have had household cleaner sprayed in my face, have been choked, have had my bare foot stomped on with (his) shoes and have had my arm grabbed more times than I can remember.  It's hard because there has been no abuse for at least 6 months and I do see my husband trying to change through counseling but the past abuse has killed any (good) feelings that I have for him.  I also worry about what will happen when the counseling stops, because I can't see it (counseling) continuing forever. I do not love him any more and that won't ever change.   He has such a hard time understanding why I can't/won't wipe the slate clean and start over again.  I just can't.  I don't even want him to touch me.  The thought of intimacy with him is repulsive to me.  I have stayed in the over 12 year marriage because of the children but now I realize that I need to end the marriage becuase of the children.  They need to see affection between their mom and dad, and that doesn't exist between us, and it hasn't for quite some time.   Seeing the original post and the subsequent answer and follow-ups have really helped me to see that the way I am feeling is OK, I am not a bad person.  Thank you.  


Stacey wrote at 2011-06-28 05:12:07
OMG, I am in that extact situation as this person telling her story. I don't know what to do either.


Priya wrote at 2012-05-01 18:47:35
Dear Jen,



Going through a abusive relationship I was browsing online for some guidance on what to do next. Ihave left my home and the country where I lived and travelled miles away from him . Now with my parents but am so confused what next. I can totally relate to ur story, few more additions though. My husband threatened me several times, cheats on me gambles and abuses me. The repeated yelling and emotional trauma is just too much to handle. I am loosing myself and my parnets want me to leave their place as they do not want their image effected. I am soo lonely. He promises that he will change. Says he is a beleiver now. He have decided to come along with a well known priest to get me back. The question is - Will he change? Juz bcoz he is going to say in front of a priest he is a new person, is he really. I am scared to return to him. Fear he would treat me even more worse and a a load of revenge might be filled in him. He ill treats me abuses me then says he loves me and is sorry.

Plz tell me - what did u do after all these years. Did ur husband change. Have he become a god fearing person? Do u live with him now and has anything become better. PLzzz reply to me- my email id is-   priyamathews2010@gmail.com


hurt&abused wrote at 2013-06-30 18:18:08
I REALLY appreciate this posting and answer. I too have been in the same situation except for me it's been almost 20yrs next month. I was married young. My husband has been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive not to mention financially irresponsible throughout our marriage leaving me to fix the problems. He'll do good for a short while then fall off again.  I can't go on. I'm so broken.  Our parents try to tell me it'll get better but when?  We now have 2 adult children and 3 more to go. I'm tired of crying and working my fingers to the bone.


Domestic Violence

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.

Experience

My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Association, American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

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